2018...2018...2018

This morning I curl back into bed, completely worn out after a shower. I reach yet again for my bottle of pain medication next to me and hope the little white tablets will dull this intense bone pain radiating throughout my body. I close my eyes and decide it feels easier to just let this year slip by without writing about it. To not bother looking back and reflecting on the year that has challenged me in every possible way.

I then get this nagging feeling that I need to write it feels important to use my precious energy to write. 

I sit here today a little more jaded than I did this time last year. I’m usually the first to list everything I am thankful for and always try my best to look on the 'bright side of life' but as this year comes to an end I think it’s important and healing to acknowledge the ‘hard stuff’ too, especially because there has been a lot of it. I sit here wiser and thankful for the lessons and growth I have had in 2018 but I also sit here absolutely exhausted and a little overwhelmed.

2018 has scared me many, many times. I have been terrified of the power and destructiveness of this illness ravaging my body.

I have felt absolutely consumed by symptoms we have struggled to gain control over.

 Life has been slowed down. Many days simply all I have been able to do is focus on my breathing. ‘Just get through the next breath…that’s all you have to do’.

I have sobbed many times that I simply cannot take this pain any more but that’s the beautiful thing about this life somehow I always do manage to keep going and keep fighting. 

Relief does come eventually in one way or another.

I have felt held back and suffocated as I play the ‘perfect’ patient role but continue to feel my body deteriorate. Dreams of being able to work, travel or start a family have continually felt out of reach while I drill into my brain not to compare my life path to my peers.  ‘Your time will come Liv’.

I began getting regular therapy which I believe is a huge reason that through everything I have been through I have been able to keep relatively stable mental health. I have learnt I need to talk, truth is I think we all do! Living such an intimate and close relationship with pain and trauma opens up a lot of wounds that need tending to regularly.

My biggest lesson is that within all the pain and suffering there is still so much joy and things I am grateful for. An absolutely incredible husband who inspires me every day with his kindness, strength, love and loyalty. Parents who are always there for us and go above and beyond to help out. A supportive family who have many time this year carried me and ensure that I never fight alone. Beautiful friends who so graciously adapt to many cancelled plans and love me just the way I am.

My heart is always full of love even if my body is filled with pain. 

There has been plenty of laughter and special memories I will take with me into the New Year. 

There is a lot to be grateful for!

As the end of the year was beginning to approach and I started to reflect back, I was met with a sinking feeling that I felt like I didn’t achieve much this year. I feel like my biggest achievement was just surviving the year…which is pretty darn important and impressive now that I type it out but it didn’t feel very satisfying.

A very wise soul suggested perhaps I look at things like this:

I am the CEO of a big company called Lupus. It’s a fast paced, crisis intervention unpredictable company. On any given day you never know what you are going to face. Only very talented and skilled people are able to work there.

I was then told to think back and list everything I had been through this year due to Lupus. I’ll save you the whole list but it included things like: emergency room visits, admission to hospital, being rushed into resus, doctors visits, scans, bed ridden days etc. The list got pretty long!

Then if we go back to me being the CEO of this company Lupus and I see the events that I listed above as crises and emergencies I have managed and overcame I started to feel pretty darn proud of myself! . I made cooperate decisions about the future of the company and managed challenging and downright mean employers (my immune system). I ultimately took control!! I think I earned the title ‘GIRL BOSS!’.

I have been the CEO of a very poorly manged and controlled business but I am hoping that all my hard work and dedication this year will start paying off soon!

2019 I am ready for you but first I must nap!

Unloading uncomfortable emotions

Isn’t it ironic that I want to sit down and write a blog post about anger and these nitty gritty raw emotions I have been feeling these last few weeks and I am suddenly overwhelmed with a wave of intense fatigue and a heart that is beating like I am out exercising and not just sitting up right at the table.  

BODY CAN YOU NOT!!! Please just cooperate! 

After a little compromise I now find myself propped up in bed typing this. Nice try body but we are powering through to write this blog post.

Cue the lavender oil on temples and deep breaths and now that I am comfortable and calm lets write about feeling frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and dear I say it pissed off….

I have a tendency when I feel these hard, uncomfortable emotions to quickly cover them up with a positive thought...

‘Liv you have so much’;

‘Other people have it worse’; 

‘Things will get better’. 

Aren’t we always told to be grateful for what we have? 

Then I find myself feeling guilty for being angry etc. I am learning that this positive outlook does indeed serve me incredibly well however there needs to be times we I just allow myself to feel angry or sad without trying to cover it up.

On Monday I found myself back in the safe, comforting, familiar space where I knew it was time to try and process and unpack all of these uneasy emotions I have been feeling. There is no doubt it is hard talking about these overwhelming feelings but there is also such a release and peace that comes once I have muddled my way through. I have always been a bottler but in this space I sit down and the words just come tumbling out. I go into my sessions not knowing what I am going to say but trusting and knowing that whatever needs to surface will.

I would say I am naturally not an angry person. Angry is not an emotion that comes easily for me. Sure I get frustrated but it takes a lot for me to get truly angry even then it’s probably a very mild and tame form of the emotion.

The words ‘I just feel so frustrated, fed up and angry’ poured out of my mouth. Yep turns out that I was suppressing those emotions more than I probably realized.

Living with a chronic illness effects so much more than just your physical health. It seeps its way into every aspect of your being and not only yours but of those around you as well. It feels suffocating. I feel like my family and I have been all walking on eggs shells these last few months. Trying desperately to grab hold some normality in this chaotic uneasy chapter we find ourselves in.

I find myself constantly fighting this battle between wanting and craving to have the freedom, opportunities and choices others have but knowing that right now in this chapter my reality is that I need help with the smallest of tasks. It is so hard at age 27 admitting that right now I am extremely reliant on those around me. I strive to be as independent as I can but after a recent solo trip to the supermarket the reality of how unwell I currently am hit me somewhere around the cereal aisle where I began to panic that I needed to get out of there and lie down. Right now trying to push my body is not wise. I don’t feel safe in this body of mine. There will come a time when I can start to push but I know that is not until I can get better control of this high heart rate and miserable symptoms.

The longer I sat with anger another emotion began to bubble to the surface.
I didn’t want to feel this,
it felt so raw and powerful,
hot tears streamed down my face.
I whispered the words out loud,
‘The anger was just suppressing the grief and sadness I feel deep within my soul’.  

I carry with me a deep sadness and I think that’s your reality when you have such a close relationship with pain and illness. I think to some extent we all do, it’s called being human.

As I made room for the sadness and grief I allowed myself to say out loud a question that almost seems unforbidden to speak. It was a question that didn’t need to be answered, a questions that can't be answered but one that I just needed in that moment to have to words leave my mouth…the two words I spoke were…'why me?’ and we just let those words fill the room and just be. Just be, without having to quickly dismiss them with a positive phrase, or remind myself to be grateful. For the first time those words were spoken out loud and I wasn’t made to feel guilty for saying them.

The anger I have been feeling has been valid; it’s a normal response to the situation I find myself in. I wonder if I was to ask my family if they have even noticed this emotion in me? Perhaps it’s more an internal bubbling frustration that is simmering away inside of me. If I stop and pay attention I know now that the deeper issue is this intense feeling of sadness and grief. These emotions and feelings are just as valid and the physical symptoms I am experiencing. They deserve to be heard and acknowledged which is why I have decided to write about them.

For me in that Hakomi session just being able to voice those emotions and truly give myself space to have an honest conversation is exactly what I needed. In this space I don’t need to be fixed or be told what to do, I don’t need a plan or to look on the bright side of life I just need the space and time to turn inwards and speak the words I have been afraid to say out loud.

This chapter of life is messy, ugly, painful and extremely chaotic. I am being tested every day. I am having to continually dig deeper and rely on that inner strength to see me through the day. I have no shame in admitting that I am terrified, scared and feel completely out of my depth a lot of the time.  I know what I am feeling is in response to the challenges I am currently facing with my body. These past few months have been some of my hardest and scariest yet and I still feel like I am in the midst of it all. But with all that said I know I am okay. I am doing it and I am somehow finding my way through the best I can and I am so extremely proud of myself for that.  

I don’t usually say this but please keep checking in on us. Not just me but my family as well. We are so thankful for everyone’s support and love and I assure you it is what we are currently clinging to right now. 

I thought I'd end with this little story that for some reason popped into my head this morning and seems to sums things up perfectly....

On Monday afternoon while Dan ran in to get some groceries I suddenly had a craving for a banana milkshake. I normally would have ignored it but thought I deserved a treat after all my hard work. Dan being the absolute darling that he is ran over to McDonalds to pick me up one. On his return and with milkshakes in both hands he blurted out ‘hunny they didn’t have any banana ones!’ 

There was a brief pause as he looked at me probably waiting for me to burst into tears.

 Instead we sat there in the car and burst out laughing. 

‘I got you strawberry instead’ he said as he tentatively handed it over. 

More laughter as we both agreed that isn’t that just the perfect analogy of my life at the moment. 

We all want the banana milkshake, we are craving the banana milk shake but instead we have a strawberry one. Maybe the truth is that it is okay to be frustrated and angry to have been handed the strawberry one but the longer I drank the creamy cold milkshake I thought to myself ‘hey this is actually quite nice too’.  

I smile to myself and know that my turn for a banana milkshake WILL come but until then I will savour my strawberry one as much as I can.

Waiting, waiting, waiting!

When you are chronically unwell you spend a lot of your time waiting.

Some people spend years upon years waiting for a diagnosis; 

you wait in doctors’ offices; 

wait for appointments to come in the mail;

 wait for phone calls to be returned;

wait to hear what the next treatment plan is.  

You wait to feel better…..

you wait for symptoms to lessen; 

you wait for medications to take away your pain;  

You wait until you feel strong enough to get out of bed in the morning.

You wait for that day when things won’t be this hard.

I’ve been spending so much of my time these last few weeks waiting. I attempt to be proactive and take control and then feel frustrated when I am reliant on a body that does not want to cooperate; symptoms that will not go away and doctors that are scrambling to try and work out what to do with me. I just want someone to firmly take control and say ‘Liv this is what is going on and this is what we are going to do about it’….but I am still waiting for that to happen. 

I am pretty used to putting my head down and just getting on with things the best I can. I try not to make a fuss and stupidly feel guilty about bothering my doctors. If I reacted to every pain and every symptom I have I would never leave my doctor’s office but there are times when enough is enough and I need help. At my most recent appointment with my rheumatologist  nurse she could instantly tell how unwell I was through the change in my demeanor. She said to me that I am usually so bright and bubbly so seeing me withdrawn, teary and worn down she knew my quality of life was being severely impacted. It’s ironic that the times when I need to be my best advocate and communicate well are also the times when doing that often feels impossible. Even when I am able to do this I learn there is no quick fix or easy answers. My health is complicated and complex. I feel helpless and out of control. 

The best way I can try and relate this helplessness feeling in a way you might understand is like the feeling you get when you are very unwell with some kind of bug and it just wont go away so you go to your doctors. During your visit you explain your symptoms hoping they will be able to prescribe a quick dose of antibiotics to make you feel better.  After the doctor looks you over you are told that its viral and you are going to have to ride it out. No medicine, no quick fix just live with it. You are desperate for the doctor to make you better!  Sadly Lupus can’t be fixed with five day course of antibiotics and there is only so long you can wait before symptoms need prompt action. 

This morning I found myself waiting yet again. I woke up with a knot in my stomach knowing I had to make a phone call and update my nurse on what has been going on these last few weeks. I psych myself up make the phone call but she is not there so I leave a message for her to call me back. Then I found myself sitting around trying to work out what to do. I knew if I left to have a shower she would call and then we would spend the rest of the day playing phone tag. As I was about to give in and go and have a shower she called. After explaining what has been going on and how I'd done everything on my end and asking what to do now I knew what was going to happen…can you guess? More waiting! Now I wait for the Rhemuatolgist to get back to my nurse and then she will get back to me. Even when you are proactive there are not always quick answers. I know now I have done everything on my end so I can only hope I hear back soon. This is just another part of being chronically unwell.

Truth time…these last few weeks have been awful. Last Monday I sat in my GP office with Dan and was told my options were to be admitted to hospital yet again or to try and increase some of my medication with the likelihood that it wont help but maybe give me some relief. I say how much I want to avoid hospital, how mentally I know I do not have the strength to deal with that again so we opt to increase my medication. I just feel so fragile both physically and mentally that we know it wont take much to cause me to crumble. Although I felt awful I still felt safe and in some form of in control at home so we decided it would be best to try this medication with the promise that I would go to ED if things got any more out of control. So that night I increase my medication with the hope that it might calm things down to find that it only makes me feel worse. Typical!! I don’t know if I’ve talked about it on here before but I’ve also been diagnosed back in 2013 with something called ‘Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia’. In very simple terms (please google if you want to know more) for some unknown reason (probably Lupus related?) my heart will beat incredibly fast constantly when I am simply resting and then just further increase when I attempt to do anything. It makes me feel miserable and causes lots of unpleasant symptoms. When I was in my GPs office my heart rate sitting down was 120 and that was with a high dose of beta blockers. Dan and I went for a very gentle walk and his heart rate was 57 while mine was 157! I should probably add I am also waiting on a referral back to Cardiology. The increase in medication left me feeling extremely fatigued, dizzy, disorientated, nauseous and just really weird. I waited a few days thinking maybe my body just needed to get used to it. No such luck! I rang my GP clinic and spoke to the nurse on Friday who when I explained my symptoms asked if there was any chance I could be pregnant….spoiler alert NO I am not. My GP rang me back and confirmed that it was the medication making me feel lousy. We have split my dose up to see if that will help but ultimately I will need to change as it’s not effective for my body.

So for now I find myself yet again waiting…..waiting to hear back from doctors, waiting for a plan, waiting for these symptoms to lessen and my quality of life to improve.

Waiting; waiting; waiting yet still clinging fiercely to hope for better days.  

 My parents work in education and last week there was a teachers strike and I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to strike against my own body about now. These working conditions are rubbish, the pay is non existent and there are no holidays! I’ll tell you one thing there is plenty of though….sick days but I promise you they are so over rated. 

Even in this place you are worthy

She sat across from me, a maroon blanket covered my legs, the heater was on and here I felt safe.

I knew it was time to talk. 

I needed to start to work through the last few months. 

This was a different type of pain for me; an aching in my soul. 

I needed to talk and not be fixed. 

I needed to talk and not have to filter my emotions to make the other person feel better. 

I remember on our first session she said to me “you don’t have to protect me, I'm not going to fall apart, I can handle this.”

I've spent my life trying to protect those around me from my pain that it took a long time me to be able to speak the truth without trying to filter it.

The words flowed out easily and I soon realised I'd been keeping so much inside.

“I am really scared”….there it was out

In the last two months I had survived two trips to the Emergency Department which resulted in being rushed into resus; an admission to hospital; being pumped full of morphine, prednisone and beta blockers; x-rays, ultrasounds, blood tests; a high dose of steroids injected into my butt; loss of my independence, confidence and sense of self which all resulted from one very nasty Lupus flare.

I had survived; we as a family had survived but now I was left to try and recover from the emotional trauma of this. Because that what it is trauma; what we have gone through was and continues to be traumatic.

The physical trauma is obvious but the emotional trauma is often forgotten about.

You’d think I'd be used to this by now. After living with Lupus for 24 years I should be used to the trips to hospital and everything else that is involved in living with this illness but the truth is I’m not and I don’t think I will ever be. Every time I get sick or become unwell it still affects me in some way. Sometimes it’s the smallest of flares that cause the most emotional pain. 

This flare however was not a small one...

I know that I rely heavily on my mental health being stable and strong. At a young age I learnt that I cannot rely on my physical health. I cannot rely on a well functioning body. I don’t have that luxury but what I do have and what I’ve worked so hard on is developing a strong mental and emotional resilience. If both my physical and mental health slip that’s when I know I am in trouble. This flare caused my physical health hit rock bottom. When this happens I find myself going into survival mode. There is not a lot of room for processing emotions and although I am fragile and physically at my worse this is when my mental and emotional strength kicks in. That’s not to say I'm not bloody scared because I am but I don’t have room to focus much on these emotions because my body needs all the attention. ‘Sleep, eat, shower, take medications..repeat’. All I do here is simply survive. I then find that once I start to feel a little better physically and I can move out of this survival mode my emotional and mental health will often take a hit. There is now more space to process and really start to feel and think about what I have been through. This place often feels extremely overwhelming as both my physical and mental health are low. This is the place I dread being in. I often feel like I loose myself in this space and I really do not feel like Liv. Physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I find that once I can begin ‘participating in life again’ that this phase will pass. Once I am able to find my ‘spark’ and feel more like myself my mental health will begin to rise although I never seem to lose that sick feeling in my stomach of when will the next flare start and I will start this cycle all over again.

“ I am so scared” I repeat the words again this time with hot tears streaming down my face.

I close my eyes at night and I am often taken back that resus room. 

"Remove your clothes, put on a gown and lie on the bed.” 

Next thing I know my gown is opened up and cold electrode pads are placed over my chest. A blood pressure monitor wrapped around my fore arm and a pulse oximeter placed on my finger. 

"What is your pain score?” 

The first time I am with Dan and I glance over and see him sitting in the corner letting the doctors and nurses do their job. He is scared but trying so hard not to show it. I feel guilty for putting him through this. 

“ I am just going to inject some beta blockers into your IV line, it might make you feel funny so we will go slow” 

“Do you feel okay?”

I nod as I feel the medication begin to slow down my heart rate. 

“ I am just going to get you some morphine for the pain”  

The next time it is Mum and Dad in resus with me. Mum is at the foot of my bed rubbing my feet while dad sits in the chair that Dan sat in just fifteen days earlier.

I can still vividly remember the sounds, smells, conversations but mostly I remember the pain and desperation I felt. “Please just make it stop!”

I have to keep reminding myself even now ‘Liv you are not there’. I went to the hospital last week for another test and even just driving up to the hospital gates I felt an overwhelming sense of panic and anxiety. I did not want to be there. I had to sit in the car and give myself a little pep talk before I went in. That’s when it hit me this has really affected me and that’s okay because I don’t think I’d be human if it hadn’t. Sure I live with a physical illness but this affects every aspect of my life.

It was this Tuesday when I finally got the chance to open up and talk about how I was feeling. I know to heal I have to talk about this; I cannot bottle these feelings up. I personally have found great benefit in a therapy called Hakomi. Find more information about it here Hakomi Method . I find this therapy extremely beneficial but I also trust, feel safe my therapist. She is gentle, compassionate and I feel she really understands me. I know that just like I look after my physical health I need to look after my mental and emotional health and this is one way that I do that. 

So I sat there and I talked, and I cried, and I talked and cried some more, and through this process I began to feel that sickening anxiety feeling start to loosen.

She looked me deep in the eyes and said “ I hear you are really scared right now, what you have gone through is very scary stuff, I really hear that” and in that moment I felt validated; I felt listened to and I felt acknowledged.

Near end of the session I spoke about choices and how I feel like my ability to make choices is severely limited when I am so unwell. “What are the choices you can make right now?” I began to think and list of really basic things like; I can get up and have a shower, I can take my medications, I can have breakfast etc then I began to think deeper and this triggered a different set of tears as I said

“ I can be a loving wife to Dan, I can be a loving daughter to Mum and Dad, I can be a good friend.” 

With a smile on her face she said to me “See even in this place you are worthy”.  

I took a deep breath and let those words sink in….even in this place you are worthy Liv.

I will work through all of this trauma and pain and continue to keep finding myself. I will at some stage get back to really feeling like myself. I know I've still got a way to go. I tell people right now I don't feel as acutely unwell as I did but I am still no where near back to where I was at. This past week has been hard again and we are all holding out breath that my steriod injection hasn't worn off but if it has then we will find a way; make a new plan because that's what I've really learnt through all of this..we are survivours and I say 'we' because I could not do this without my loved ones around me. Especially without Dan and Mum and Dad holding me close. I know they wont let me slip. They are the definition of love, strength and support. They are my absolute world and I cannot express how grateful I am for everything they have done for me over these last few months. It's hard on me but its also extremely hard on them. 

I am learning our worth isn't in our jobs or the money we make or our achievements. Yes those things are great but if all of those things were taken away from you what do you have left? Maybe the truth is our worth lies within our relationships. That's what is really important. If all those things I mentioned above fell apart who would you call on because those are the people you need to be putting your energy and time into. No matter what is going on in our lives we can always love and be loved and there is endless amounts of worth in that. 

.......even in this place you are worthy Liv.......

Whole30 Week One

A great question to ask yourself before you make a food choice is 

'will this nourish me?' 

Apply this question to your mind, body and soul.

- Dr Libby 

Day One - 02/02/17 - Friday 

Today marks the start of our Whole30 journey! It feels like there has been a lot of build up to this day so it is good to finally get underway. I am so ready to begin and see where this takes us. I know I need a change and to channel my energy into doing something positive for my body instead of constantly fighting against it. 

Dan and I took our starting weight and measurements and now we are not allowed to weigh ourselves for the 30 days. While loosing weight is not my main goal I must admit that currently my body feels extremely puffy and swollen (thanks prednisone) so I am interested to see if changing my diet will help elevate some of this uncomfortable bloating. 

I have done a lot of reading of other people experience on the Whole30 and the message that keeps coming through is to be organsied! Today I spent the day in the kitchen making home made coconut milk, turmeric kumura and capsicum roasties and chicken cacciatore for our dinner. Yesterday Dan and I also made chicken bone broth and a frittata. It already feels nice to have a purpose again!!

Lunch time! 

 I feel like we are going to spend the next 30 days constantly doing dishes!! 

Totally think I can get used to drinking my coffee with almond milk or black!! 

I have been wondering weather to include what we ate every day or just my favourite meal of the day....I think for now I will do my favourite meal but please let me know if you would like to see more of what we are eating! 

My favourite meal of the day was our dinner which was Chicken Casotore with beans and courgettes out of dads garden. The recipe can be found  here Chicken Cacciatore or in page 334 of The Whole30 book.

DAY TWO: 03/02/18 - Saturday 

Today I was faced with my first lot of temptation in the form of sushi, donuts and lollies. Although my lovely friend felt awful eating this in front of me I assured her I was fine and I needed to learn to be around this food and say 'no'. It probably helped that it was only Day 2 so I wasn't missing anything. 

I was proud of myself though I packed my own lunch so sat there eating frittata, shredded chicken and some chopped vegetables. Yay for self control and being prepared. 

After a long day out I was surprised how my body held up and felt good. I was even able to come home and begin to get dinner ready. I made my own aioli..little tip don't use extra virgin olive oil.... thankfully Dan came home at the right time and was able to save it. 

Favourite meal of the day had to be breakfast which consisted of: chicken meatballs, turmeric kumura and capsicum roasties with an egg. 

DAY THREE: 04/02/18 - Sunday 

Today I felt AMAZING!!!  

I can't quite believe everything I was able to do today. 

I went for a swim at the beach in the morning which was divine. Then I packed up my lunch and went to visit Mum and Dad where I raved about how motivated and great I was feeling. 

Dan was working the day shift so we met each other back at home. After catching up on our days Dan said he was going to go for a run. It was a beautiful night and I was already feeling like getting out of the house again so I said I would go for a walk. Dan decided to come with me first then go for his run. Going for a walk with your husband might seem like a small thing but for me it is a bloody big deal and something to celebrate! Our 'small walk' turned into quite a 'big' walk with two big hills thrown into the mix but for the first time in a very long time my body felt strong if I was able to ignore my high heart rate.... 

I cannot say enough how empowering it feels to be talking control back. 

My favourtie meal of the day was sitting down with Dan after our walk and enjoying a prawn stir fry packed with lots of vegetables. We laughed how we can almost hear our bodies thanking us for feeding these delicious nutrient dense meals. 

DAY FOUR: 05/02/18 - Monday 

Today I woke up with a pounding headache and the questions started in my head....am I  drinking enough water? Am I detoxing off sugar? Did I over do it? Instead of reaching for Panadol I was able to treat it with running Peppermint and Lavender oil on my forehead and temples. 

I had an appointment with Meegan who does Craniosacral therapy (you can read more about her work here Meegan Care) so was interested to see if she could pick up on any changes in my body. I have been seeing Meegan for years and highly recommend this form of treatment. I find it extremely gentle and Meegan is one very talented and knowledgeable woman. We spoke about my decision to make dietary changes and how it needed to come from me when I was ready. I am now in the right place to be doing this. The exciting bit was Meegan was able to identify that my body is beginning to make positive changes and my nervous system is beginning to 'calm' itself down. This has been after a lot of sessions and work.  I am reminded that this is a process and its not going to be an over night fix for me but for the first time in a very long time I felt extremely proud of my body and all the work I have been doing to get it here. 

Dan and I were both very tired this afternoon. I am usually tired after a session anyway but perhaps the sugar detox is hitting us?! We decided a refreshing swim at the beach might wake us up. On the way home we both realised how often if we did something like that we would stop on the way home for an iceblock just because we could. We are starting to learn how often we would just eat for the sake of eating. Don't worry I can assure you there was no iceblock eating!! 

Dan came home and started to fall asleep on the couch so I sent him off to bed to have a nap while I started on dinner....yes I know who is this person haha!!! Usually its the other way around and I am the one being put to bed. I am enjoying being back in the kitchen and realised how much I have missed cooking.

We had a quiet evening and were both in bed very early! 

My favourite meal of the day was our dinner which was salmon cakes, roasted vegetables and a salad. 

DAY FIVE: 06/02/18 - Tuesday 

Today I have struggled with lack of energy, an achy body and a pounding headache. I think for me personally I am finding it hard to distinguish between what Lupus symptoms verse what is from not eating sugar, changing my diet etc. Today I did not want to move but I have still been able to be proactive though. 

I had a dream last night that I ate half a cupcake and have never been so thankful to wake up and realise it was a dream haha....

Dan made a delicious breakfast of left over salmon cakes, poached eggs with avocado. We are learning the importance of eating a decent breakfast! It helps having Dan home because he makes amazing poached eggs!! 

We went out to a cafe and had long blacks which were surprisingly good and I can see myself getting used to. Then with our meal plan in hand we went to the fruit and veggie store and stocked up for the week then went to the supermarket. 

I think I gained superpowers from the long black or I was just a woman on a mission because we came home re-arranged the fridge, cleaned the house then began our meal prep for the week. Dan roasted the chicken which we will use for lunches during the week. He then went out for a friend and I spent the afternoon making sweet potato, apple bake which will be our breakfast for the next few days and then I made dinner. Right now I feel so accomplished but so exhausted. 

Favourite meal of the day was dinner again which was Potato rosti hamburgers. These were delicious and will now probably be our new way of eating hamburgers in the future. 

DAY 6 - 07/02/18 - Wednesday 

Woke up today and felt like I hadn't slept for weeks....que sinking feeling!!

I felt so drained; like my body was made of lead. Dan started work at 8am and I didn't even hear him leave. I woke up at 9am opened my eyes and immediately wanted to go back to sleep. I read and continued to rest until 10am and then finally dragged myself up with a promise to my body that I would take it easier today. I can appreciate that I have been really busy for me so this does make sense. 

I had the brief and I say brief thought that maybe a walk around the block might help but I could tell that this fatigue was different than just feeling tired and that it wouldn't be wise to push through this. I instead decided to do some yoga. I have found a really good YouTube channel where a woman who has a chronic illness herself does yoga sessions. I started with one but then soon realised my knees and wrists hurt too much so instead of push through (which I probably would have done in the past) I found a wonderful gentle restorative yoga sessions which I did. I will include that here...Restorative Yoga. This session helped me to relax and gentle stretch out my body. Just what I needed. 

I then had a shower where I had to use our shower bench to sit down and I soon realised standing was too hard. I napped and then went up and had dinner with Mum and Dad. I had a little burst of feeling more like me in the afternoon but by the evening could barely keep my eyes open. Its days like this I am so thankful for being organised. I didn't have to worry about any of my meals because we had done all the work! 

Favourtie meal of the day was breakfast which was Sweet potato apple breakfast bake (click on the link for the recipe). This was delicious and is a great easy breakfast for Dan to grab on the way to work. 

DAY 7 : 08/02/18 - Thursday 

I don't like to write this but today was rough........

Woke up with extreme fatigue, joint and body pain. I dragged myself from bed to the couch which even that simple task required a rest. I manged to get some food into me after a mini melt down when I dropped the Tupperware container on the floor because my wrist was too weak are sore to hold it. Again it is always the small things that end up tipping me over the edge. 

It was another sitting down shower kind of day even that left me feeling like I had run a marathon. My body hurt, my brain was foggy and the fatigue was unbearable. Having a shower put me in bed for over two hours. You know things are bad when even breathing feels like such a massive effort. Today was the first day since starting the Whole30 where I had to take some stronger pain medication. This is both amazing that I was able to last that long and also a little disheartening because I was doing so well. I will choose to look at what an achievement that was!! 

My amazing husband took the lead today and while I slept he worked his magic in the kitchen making our dinner, roasting vegetables and making another frittata for the days ahead. When I was finally able to get up Dan made me lunch and I rested on the couch. 

While everything felt out of control today it was nice to have some control about what foods I was putting into my body. Today more than ever was the day where I needed to feed myself well. 

My favourite meal was the delicious chicken chowder Dan made. You can find the recipe here Chicken Chowder.

Moving feels too hard today,

Standing feels too hard today,

Eating feels too hard today,

Holding a conversation feels too hard today,

Everything feels too hard today,

Then I am brought back down to earth with Mums comforting words,

' hunny please don't feel dishearten'. 

DAY 8 : 09/02/18 - Friday 

Short version: Today was hard! 

Longer version: Today was hard physically and emotionally. Last night I had to take a sleeping tablet due to horrible unrelenting pain. After trying everything I could I realised the only way I was going to escape into sleep was by taking a sleeping tablet. I finally got to sleep then woke up feeling like I hadn't even slept. All I wanted to do was NOT move an inch of my body. 

I woke up and could hear Dan rustling away in the kitchen making breakfast. I get up and he had whipped up meatballs in tomato sauce, poached egg served on top of a potato rosti! I am just going to say again how amazing he is!! 

I wanted to try and get out of the house to see if it would help or at least take my mind off the pain. I had a shower which of course resulted in a rest and the realisation the shit I am struggling. My body feels so incredibly weak and fragile. My joints feel like they have acid running through them. My mobility isn't good...I am just so uncomfortable! 

Dan picked up two long blacks and we went a did my favourtie thing...sit by the ocean. It was nice to get out and get some fresh air. It did help to get out. 

We all know what I did when I came home...went to bed. I got up and reluctantly took some more pain medication. I then went up to visit Mum and Dad. Mum took one look at me and could instantly see I was not well. I started talking to Mum and before I knew it I burst into tears. For me it feels upsetting to be looking after my body so well and to be feeling so miserable. Its hard to be putting in so much effort and not getting the results. Realistically I know it is very early days and I am still going to have these days and weeks; but its just hard. 

I am at a stage where I want to move on with my life and not be constantly battling against my body. I want more...is that selfish of me? 

Mum and I talked  how this feels really hard because I did have such good days earlier in the week. Its confusing to go from feeling so good to feeling so horrible. It feels cruel. 

Today I just feel really suffocated by Lupus. 

Its hard when I get a taste of wellness and then I am brought back here. If anything this does make me want continue to work hard so I can have more days of wellness; days of being able to cook in the kitchen, swim in the ocean, walk around the block and ultimately feel like myself! 

Recap of week one:

So as you can see Week One of Whole30 has been a whirlwind ride in the Hall household. 

Its been full of amazing pinch me moments and then has ended with some difficult emotions and unwanted pain and fatigue.

Every day Dan and I are learning more and more about our eating habits and patterns and experimenting with this new lifestyle. We have already gained so much and it has already been a week. 

For the first time I am finding I am eating all my meals as I am not grazing during the day. I am finding how much I have been eating out of habit and how often I will reach for food without even being hungry. 

The wonderful thing is that we haven't gone hungry or even really felt restricted; if anything we are both eating more than we usually would. 

Week one has been hard but not because of the Whole30! If anything it has been so wonderful to have the structure and to have a purpose again. I am excited to see what Week 2 brings. 

The Whole30 adventure is set to begin...

Let food be thy medicine

and medicine be thy food

- Hippocrates 

"Liv I think you should go gluten free."

" My friends Mum cured all her pain through not eating sugar."

"You shouldn't be eating tomatoes" 

"Have you cut dairy out of your diet?"

"Hey Liv have you gone gluten free yet??"

If I received a dollar every time I heard those questions or had diet advice recommended to me, let's just say I would be a very wealthy woman! While I know people are coming from a place of care and concern when they are offering advice, it can get exhausting to constantly hear. It often feels like everyone is trying to 'fix me' because I am 'broken'. Outward I would smile and thank them but internally I am yelling ' if I want to eat a bloody piece of cake or a slice of cheese then I will!'.
 (P.S this is not a dig at anyone! I am very open and receptive to advice I promise! I did wonder if I should probably take this out as I might offend someone but I think it is just a side of living with chronic illness that you experience and I want to be honest about it. Heck I know I do it to those I love as well!)

I have come to realise that I have lived in the mindset that I feel like Lupus takes away a lot in my life so if I want to eat (insert any food in here) then I will. I feel restricted in many areas and I didn't want to feel restricted with what I can eat either. Plus where was I going to get this extra energy from to maintain this new lifestyle? While I've had this mindset, there has always been a niggly thought in the back of my mind that I could try harder with my diet and the foods I put into my body but I always managed to quiet that with a packet of salt and vinegar chips.....

I knew (and hoped!) deep down that I would come to a place where I would decide to take more control over my diet and the foods I am putting into my body but I understood this was a decision I had to come to when I was ready in my own time. If I was to do this, it needed to be for me and not to keep other people comfortable. 

Drum roll please.....I AM NOW READY!

But where to start? Do I just cut out sugar or gluten or dairy or follow an anti inflammatory diet? The options are endless!

After much research and thought, I have decided to undertake what is known as the Whole30 program. 

What is the Whole30 program?

Certain food groups (like sugar, grains, dairy and legumes) could be having a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even realizing it. So how do you know if (and how) these foods are affecting you?

Strip them from your diet completely. Eliminate the most common craving-inducing, blood sugar disrupting, gut-damaging, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing. Push the reset button with your health, habits, systemic inflammation, and the downstream physical and psychological effects of the food choices you’ve been making. (https://whole30.com/whole30-program-rules/) 

In the past I have temporarily cut certain foods (mainly gluten) out of my diet to see if it helps control my symptoms, however so far I have been unable to find foods that trigger flare ups. Many times I have said to Dan that I almost wish I could identity a food that caused me to feel awful because then I would certainly stay well clear of eating it. The truth is, there are things in my diet that I am sure I am eating that are doing more harm that good and I feel that undertaking the Whole30 program, I will hopefully be able to pay close attention and undercover these potential food triggers. 

My lovely husband has decided to undertake this with me so for 30 days we will stay away from eating....

• Sugar - added of any kind, real or artificial
• Alcohol
• Grains 
• Legumes 
• Dairy
• Carrageenan, MSG, or added Sulfates  

 I must point out here that this is not to say these foods are necessarily 'bad' rather it is the idea that these are known foods that can cause unwanted effects on the body, the main one being inflammation.


Therefore we are able to eat:

• Meat
• Seafood
• Eggs
• Vegetables 
• Fruit
• Natural fats 

I know some of you by now are probably shaking your head and questioning why we are cutting so much from our diet. The simple answer is I AM SO TIRED OF LIVING IN PAIN. Something needs to change for me and at the end of the 30 days I still feel rubbish (which I highly doubt) I can take comfort in knowing that for 30 days I have fed my body whole, rich nutrient dense foods. 

I understand this plan won't sit right for everyone but it feels right to follow for me. 

For 30 days we will both focus on healing out guts. I like to think of it as using food to be my medicine! 

After the 30 days we enter a period of re-introduction where we will slowly add certain foods back into our diet and watch for any unwanted symptoms. This will be the crucial part for me where I will hopefully be able to discover foods that make my symptoms worse. 

I have read blogs where people have had debilitating symptoms disappear, people also report gaining more energy, sleeping better and just all round feeling better. There is a great testimonial page here which shows ways peoples lives have changed... https://whole30.com/2011/06/the-whole30-a-z-real-life-testimonials/

Dan and I have spent the last couple of weeks reading the Whole30 book, taking notes, finding receipes and familiarising ourselves with the program. We know to do this successfully we have to be prepared and educated. 

Our starting date is 2nd February as Mums birthday is on the 1st February and we want to be able to eat one last piece of cake haha! 

On Monday we spent the day cleaning out our freezer, fridge and pantry. We have filled two washing baskets with food we cannot eat and have decided to take away the temptation of having it in the house so will take it to mum and dads. We have sat down and written out our meal plan for the week and the all important grocery list. We also spent time writing down our goals and motivations for making this change as well as potential triggers (having a bad day, getting invitations out for dinner, having a flare up) and how we will overcome these (having prepared meals, communicating to each other, reminding ourselves of our goals). 

Bye bye temptation!

Dan and I have been laughing that the universe has been sending us signs all week that is time for us to start. My first sign came when I decided to have a piece of toast for breakfast only to have it get stuck in the toaster. We found some sausage rolls in our freezer so decided to eat them for lunch and with my first bite I burnt the roof of my mouth so have been left with a painful blister. Last night we had home made hamburgers which resulted in one of us having a very unhappy tummy for the rest of the night!! 

Right, I am off to stir my bone broth but want to end this blog post with a quote from the Whole30 book that really gave me the final kick I needed to do this. Stay tuned as we will share this experience with you!

This is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard.

 Fighting cancer is hard.

 Birthing a baby is hard. 

Losing a parent is hard.

 Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. 

You’ve done harder things than this, 

and you have no excuse not to complete the program as written. 

It’s only thirty days, 

and it’s for the most important health cause on earth

—the only physical body you will ever have in this lifetime. 

2017 - 'you will break, but oh you will heal'

 "When you start to feel

like things should have

been better this year,

remember the mountains and valleys

that got you here

they are not accidents

and those moments weren't in vain.

You are not the same

you have grown and you are growing

you are breathing, you are living.

You are wrapped in 

endless

boundless

grace

and things will get better

there more to you than yesterday."

- Morgan Harper Nichols

You know she's been a challenging year when you have to give yourself a little pep talk and take a few deep breaths before you even begin typing this post. 

2017...2017...2017!

There's a quote that goes 'was it a bad day? or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?'  

I feel like this is an important quote we all need to remember when we think back and reflect about our year. We are quick to forget about the days we laughed, loved, achieved, dreamed and truly lived and we seem to tightly hold on to the day or months when life didn't go to plan or obstacles were placed in our way. 

I was recently having coffee with a friend and we were talking about the new year when out of no where the words 'I feel like I haven't achieved much this year' came out of my mouth. I was met with a 'Liv you survived! You have taken control back this year!' 

I don't think I realsied how much I belittle my every day existence of living with a chronic illness. How I placed little value or worth in my daily survival because to me the fact that I wasn't able to hold down employment meant in my head I achieved nothing....yes don't worry I am cringing even writing this because I know it is not true. 

I wanted to recap on my 2017 mostly for my own benefit to show myself that I 'achieved' many things but also to continue to create awareness about the reality of living with a chronic illness and how life can look a little different but that doesn't make it any less valuable. 

January 

A new record was set; it took me four days before I ended myself in the Emergency Room with a nasty kidney infection. A script for antibiotics in my hand, we all breathed a sigh of relief, that it has been caught, and now I could focus on recovering. However, this is me and if you haven't learnt by now my body doesn't seem to play by the rules. Just under a week later, I ended up back in ED extremely unwell and giving myself and my family a heck of a fright. I was admitted this time and needed a course of IV antibiotics.  You can read all about it here, Hospital Happenings. I must admit, I haven't been brave enough to go back and read that post again. I found that stay and the recovery to follow pretty traumatic but like always I got through it thanks to an endless amount of love and support. This quote from Recovery and Healing sums up my January very well 'all I must do is survive; focus on one breath at a time. Swallow endless amount of pills; control my pain, control my nausea, try to eat, sleep and survive! 

February

There is nothing like going to a wedding to make you forget about all your problems! At the start of Feb we got to see one of my high school friends get married on a stunning summers day. It was our first wedding since being married and we both agree it gave you a whole new appreciation for all hard work that goes into a wedding.

I was trying to think what else happened in February and I stumbled upon this Instagram post I wrote which I thought sums things up pretty well:

The truth is dark days can still be filled with pocket of small joys (as I have named them). These are the brief moments where we are able to be distracted from excruciating pain; be comforted; find even a smidgen of relief or a cheeky bout of laughter that catches us unexpectedly. Small joys can also come in the form of a hug from mum, a text from a friend, your husband reaching out to hold your hand during the night. There are tears of pain and frustration with beautiful moments nestled in there too. Both pain and joy can coexist together. You need to believe this little fighter. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Our illness have so much power and control over us but I believe we hold the power to keep searching the good. Search for your pockets of joy and hang on to them. Today was a hard day with pain and fatigue but my pockets of joy were a hot bath, spending time with mum and dad and a lovely roast dinner. Find your pockets of joy for the day even if you do have to search a little harder I promise you they will be there. 

March 

March started with this blog post Unpredictability. At this time I was still fiercely clinging on to my part time Social Work job.  I can sit here now and know deep down in my heart that I gave that job my absolute all. I know I tried so bloody hard and I know there was nothing more I could do. I am truly grateful for the time that I did get to work and for all the knowledge and lessons I learnt. I loved that job! I miss it but deep down I knew how ever unfair it was this little body of mine was not coping. I talk about that chapter of my life in this blog post Recuperating phase.

On to some happy news; Dan and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary on the 12th March!! We packed up a cute little picnic, but, after getting eaten alive by mosquito's and forgetting the insect repellent, we decided to retreat back home and continue our picnic on the comfort of our living room floor. Can you tell we are pretty adaptable by now?  

March 18th brought an exciting day in the Hall family as Dan's oldest brother Dylan married his beautiful bride Penny. It was a stunning wedding held at local winery over looking the ocean. Of course Dan's Mum pulled out another incredible speech and we are already looking forward to the next Hall wedding! 

April 

April started with me writing this blog post to create awareness around mobility parking. 

This Instagram post summed up my April....

There will be days where as soon as you open your eyes you just know it's going to be a tough day! Even with all the self care and rest your body still decides to fight against itself. You come to learn that the world doesn't stop on these days. Pain isn't patient or considerate or accommodating. Some days you will be able to simply rest other days you will need to somehow push through. It's such a balancing act and today I got it wrong. I pushed on despite the pain and went to get the groceries by myself because hey we have to eat. Of course my body has rebelled at me and now I feel way worse but slightly accomplished at the same time. Now it is time to rest and ice this non existent swollen mess of a knee 

Oh Lupus!!! You really out do yourself! I take huge comfort in know that within these hard days and months there were always moments of joy and love. Even if it was waiting until my husband would come home at night and kiss me good night or a text from a friend to say she was thinking of me. Remember I am not a sad story!!!!

May 

May 10th is World Lupus Day so Dan and I honoured this day by going for a bush walk and of course I used it as an opportunity to do my bit in spreading awareness: 

WORLD LUPUS DAY! 🌏💜
I could sit here and rattle off facts about this dreaded illness and it's impact on my life but today we celebrated the fact that my body allowed me to get outside and enjoy a beautiful bush walk! To think this time last week I was bed ridden and today I walked 4km (in my purple tee shirt of course!) Thanks Dan for all the little pep talks 'you are doing well' and making sure I stayed upright 😉. Today I walked for all the people around the world who bravely battle this illness every single day, especially for those that aren't able to walk without severe pain; I walked for the lives taken too soon because of Lupus and finally I walked for myself because too many times I have been the one struggling to walk because of pain! 
Today especially I thank my incredible family and friends for their unconditional love and support. How blessed I am to be surrounded by so much love! It has been so humbling to see Facebook profiles turning purple to spread awareness and to read all your lovely comments. 
Thank you all for journeying this crazy roller coaster of a ride with me!

Another proud moment was getting two blog posts published on The Mighty website!! 

The rest of the month is summed up here Accident Migraines and Misbehaving Tendons. She was a pretty full on month haha!! 

June

I thought May was a full on month but that was until I was faced with June!! Shesh! Okay where to start maybe this blog post How are you?...overwhelmed!

On 8th June I took my first trip to Auckland to met with a hand surgeon to talk about the possibility of needing surgery to fix my pesky tendons in my hand. This was quite a confusing time for me with the thoughts of having surgery verse not weighing heavy on my mind. We met with the surgeon who wanted to get a MRI on my hand see me back in July to make the decision. 

I also learnt that my poor little Echo got written off when the van failed to see me and backed into my drivers side door. I must admit this effected me more than I thought! 

I was determined that even if at this stage I wasn't able to work I could still use my skills and passion to volunteer. I facilitated a Season's for Growth program which I love doing and did training to become a support person at the Taranaki Retreat (unfortunately so far my health has had other plans but there is still hope!!). 

The highlight of June was of course celebrating my Nanna's 80th Birthday!! We all carry such special memories of this night. Nanna can sure throw a party! 

July 

July July July!!! By the way if you are still reading this that is commitment!! 

From now on my blog went very quiet as I slipped into survival mode. 

On 20th July I found myself sitting in the hand surgeons office in Auckland discussing my surgery then a few days after arriving home I got a call from the nurse at QE Health in Rotorua sating they wanted to admit me for three weeks as soon as possible. They really did mean 'as soon as possible' as I was left with four days to pack and get myself over to Rotorua to begin the toughest challenge of 2017. 

July ended with extreme anxiety we shall say.....

August 

Those three weeks at QE Health stirred up almost every emotion possible for me. I've struggled to sit down and find the words to describe my stay because it felt like such a personal and vulnerable experience for me. I hope one day the words will come easy and I will feel some peace towards sharing my time there. Those closet to me know the immense courage and strength it took to get me there and to spend three weeks away from my husband and family. My Dad summed it up perfectly by saying it was my Mount Everest. 

This was my time table of random day in my first week....we were extremely busy!

8.00am – Morning Review

8.15am – Gym

9.30am – Sleep Hygiene (Education Class)

10.45am – Posture/ Stabilisation (Presentation)

11.30am – Physio Pool

12.00pm to 12.30pm Lunch

1.00pm – Graded Exposure

2.15pm – Massage

3.00pm – Energy Management

4.00 – Relaxation Class

I will forever hold with me the overwhelming feeling of pride I felt when I walked out of those doors for the final time. The added bonus was all my fitness markers improved but the most precious gift I took away was the friendships I made. How lucky I was to walk this journey with such incredible people. The amazing part was it felt like it was meant to be we all needed each other and I am so thankful to have kept in touch with my Superheros!!

While I was away my brother Joe left to go to London on a two year working visa! I got used to him being around and it took a while to adjust to him not being at Mum and Dads.

After a full on month August ended with a trip to Auckland but this time it involved no medical appointments! We went to see the musical Matilda!! Even thinking about it now brings a smile to my face.

September 

September equaled surgery time! Surgery was scheduled for 20th September and the weeks leading up to that were mainly spent making the most of having two functioning hands.

Happy to report that surgery went extremely well and here is a blog post that describes the surgery in more detail Surgery to fix pesky finger tendons. I was surprised how calm I was in the lead up and going into surgery. I think by now I'd really learnt how much strength I hold in this body of mine. I got through my admission to QE I could get through this.

On the 30th September I celebrated my 27th birthday where I learnt the true difficulty of opening cards and presents with one hand! At least I didn't get looked at funny when I asked for a fork instead of chop sticks when we went out for dinner.

October

The rest of 2017 for me involved lessons in patience, perseverance and creativity. I must say that I learnt that I can be extremely stubborn when I want to be!! Many times I heard 'Liv stop being stubborn and take your pain meds'; 'don't be stupid I can do that for you'; 'let me help you'. Yep still learning about accepting help....

Dan and I flew to Auckland on the 2nd October where I had my first post op appointment and got my cast off! Biggest achievement of the year...Dan didn't faint when I got my stitches out! My hero!

Of course Josy was on stand by and won the award for her patience as she took me to my appointments and drove us around Auckland. My superstar!

So what did I actually have done? Synovectomies left 4th and 5th metacarpals with re-balancing of the extensor tendons and lateral band translocation for secondary swan neck deformities.

I started hand therapy on 9th October and would see John once or twice a week to begin with it was  for scar massage, heat therapy and gentle movement then at about five weeks post op we upped the game to get my little sausage fingers moving into making a fist. 

I had to fight against ever fiber in my body that told me not to move them.... 

November

'Never the less she persisted!!' 

On 15th November I could officially make a fist and begin to drive again. Hello independence!! All those hours I spent doing tedious exercises paid off well and truly. 

Around this time as I began to gain some relief from my hand another issue resurfaced...my high heart rate. You know its not a good sign when your doctor describes your heart rate as that of a new born baby and she was unable to count is manually. Its even more frightening when you are already on three beta blockers to supposedly stop this from happening. Thankfully I have an amazing doctor who was quick to change my medication. I went a day without any beta blockers in my system and lets just say it was spent on the couch as standing up caused my highest recorded heart rate of 185....happy to report after an increase of medication my new beta blockers are working well!!!

A highlight of November was my weekend away to stay with a fellow QE patient and her family. We also had a BBQ with another guy who was on our course and his family (I just want to be respectful and keep names private). This was a big step for me and what a lovely weekend we had catching up. There is something so therapeutic being able to talk to people who just 'get it'. 

My final post op appointment in Auckland called for a mother daughter weekend away. Mum and I spent Saturday night in Hamilton and proceeded to walk every inch of Kmart which my body protested in the form of causing my knee to resemble that of a watermelon...no regrets though. 

I heard the words I had been longing to hear from my surgeon ' I am very happy with your progress and recovery'. He was pleased with my movement and healing and again I was left feeling very proud of myself! I did it!!!

After all of this I am so pleased I went through with the surgery and have had such great results. My hand now work a lot better than it did and I know it will keep getting better as I gain more strength as it continues to heal. 

December 

It became clear that during this month there was a sense of relief...relief knowing that I had made it!! 

We had some sad news with our little bird Cleo passing away on the 11th December. Our house sure feels empty without her chirping. 

My plan was to keep myself as well as I possible could up till Christmas. I am so grateful for online shopping and for making an extra effort to be organsied. 

Another saving grace was increasing my Predinsone to 'get me through' the festive season in particular Christmas day. We had a lovely day spent with between both our families and after a few two many wines and beers found ourselves tucked up in my childhood bedroom for the night.  

After such a big day, I spent the next days recovering to celebrate New Year. We saw in the new year with our friends Jamie and Bex with Dan finishing at 10pm which really was the best gift. 

As we sat counting down the New Year and the guys got the fireworks ready I was thinking about 2017 and this quote came to mind 'you will break, but oh you will heal' and that folks perfectly sums up my 2017! 

Thank you, 2017 for the lessons, the gifts, the love, joy, happiness and it might sound funny but thank you for the pain because it made the above that much sweeter. 

I left 2017 surrounded by love and entered 2018 surrounded by just as much love and perhaps that is my greatest blessing!