Whole30 Week One

A great question to ask yourself before you make a food choice is 

'will this nourish me?' 

Apply this question to your mind, body and soul.

- Dr Libby 

Day One - 02/02/17 - Friday 

Today marks the start of our Whole30 journey! It feels like there has been a lot of build up to this day so it is good to finally get underway. I am so ready to begin and see where this takes us. I know I need a change and to channel my energy into doing something positive for my body instead of constantly fighting against it. 

Dan and I took our starting weight and measurements and now we are not allowed to weigh ourselves for the 30 days. While loosing weight is not my main goal I must admit that currently my body feels extremely puffy and swollen (thanks prednisone) so I am interested to see if changing my diet will help elevate some of this uncomfortable bloating. 

I have done a lot of reading of other people experience on the Whole30 and the message that keeps coming through is to be organsied! Today I spent the day in the kitchen making home made coconut milk, turmeric kumura and capsicum roasties and chicken cacciatore for our dinner. Yesterday Dan and I also made chicken bone broth and a frittata. It already feels nice to have a purpose again!!

Lunch time! 

 I feel like we are going to spend the next 30 days constantly doing dishes!! 

Totally think I can get used to drinking my coffee with almond milk or black!! 

I have been wondering weather to include what we ate every day or just my favourite meal of the day....I think for now I will do my favourite meal but please let me know if you would like to see more of what we are eating! 

My favourite meal of the day was our dinner which was Chicken Casotore with beans and courgettes out of dads garden. The recipe can be found  here Chicken Cacciatore or in page 334 of The Whole30 book.

DAY TWO: 03/02/18 - Saturday 

Today I was faced with my first lot of temptation in the form of sushi, donuts and lollies. Although my lovely friend felt awful eating this in front of me I assured her I was fine and I needed to learn to be around this food and say 'no'. It probably helped that it was only Day 2 so I wasn't missing anything. 

I was proud of myself though I packed my own lunch so sat there eating frittata, shredded chicken and some chopped vegetables. Yay for self control and being prepared. 

After a long day out I was surprised how my body held up and felt good. I was even able to come home and begin to get dinner ready. I made my own aioli..little tip don't use extra virgin olive oil.... thankfully Dan came home at the right time and was able to save it. 

Favourite meal of the day had to be breakfast which consisted of: chicken meatballs, turmeric kumura and capsicum roasties with an egg. 

DAY THREE: 04/02/18 - Sunday 

Today I felt AMAZING!!!  

I can't quite believe everything I was able to do today. 

I went for a swim at the beach in the morning which was divine. Then I packed up my lunch and went to visit Mum and Dad where I raved about how motivated and great I was feeling. 

Dan was working the day shift so we met each other back at home. After catching up on our days Dan said he was going to go for a run. It was a beautiful night and I was already feeling like getting out of the house again so I said I would go for a walk. Dan decided to come with me first then go for his run. Going for a walk with your husband might seem like a small thing but for me it is a bloody big deal and something to celebrate! Our 'small walk' turned into quite a 'big' walk with two big hills thrown into the mix but for the first time in a very long time my body felt strong if I was able to ignore my high heart rate.... 

I cannot say enough how empowering it feels to be talking control back. 

My favourtie meal of the day was sitting down with Dan after our walk and enjoying a prawn stir fry packed with lots of vegetables. We laughed how we can almost hear our bodies thanking us for feeding these delicious nutrient dense meals. 

DAY FOUR: 05/02/18 - Monday 

Today I woke up with a pounding headache and the questions started in my head....am I  drinking enough water? Am I detoxing off sugar? Did I over do it? Instead of reaching for Panadol I was able to treat it with running Peppermint and Lavender oil on my forehead and temples. 

I had an appointment with Meegan who does Craniosacral therapy (you can read more about her work here Meegan Care) so was interested to see if she could pick up on any changes in my body. I have been seeing Meegan for years and highly recommend this form of treatment. I find it extremely gentle and Meegan is one very talented and knowledgeable woman. We spoke about my decision to make dietary changes and how it needed to come from me when I was ready. I am now in the right place to be doing this. The exciting bit was Meegan was able to identify that my body is beginning to make positive changes and my nervous system is beginning to 'calm' itself down. This has been after a lot of sessions and work.  I am reminded that this is a process and its not going to be an over night fix for me but for the first time in a very long time I felt extremely proud of my body and all the work I have been doing to get it here. 

Dan and I were both very tired this afternoon. I am usually tired after a session anyway but perhaps the sugar detox is hitting us?! We decided a refreshing swim at the beach might wake us up. On the way home we both realised how often if we did something like that we would stop on the way home for an iceblock just because we could. We are starting to learn how often we would just eat for the sake of eating. Don't worry I can assure you there was no iceblock eating!! 

Dan came home and started to fall asleep on the couch so I sent him off to bed to have a nap while I started on dinner....yes I know who is this person haha!!! Usually its the other way around and I am the one being put to bed. I am enjoying being back in the kitchen and realised how much I have missed cooking.

We had a quiet evening and were both in bed very early! 

My favourite meal of the day was our dinner which was salmon cakes, roasted vegetables and a salad. 

DAY FIVE: 06/02/18 - Tuesday 

Today I have struggled with lack of energy, an achy body and a pounding headache. I think for me personally I am finding it hard to distinguish between what Lupus symptoms verse what is from not eating sugar, changing my diet etc. Today I did not want to move but I have still been able to be proactive though. 

I had a dream last night that I ate half a cupcake and have never been so thankful to wake up and realise it was a dream haha....

Dan made a delicious breakfast of left over salmon cakes, poached eggs with avocado. We are learning the importance of eating a decent breakfast! It helps having Dan home because he makes amazing poached eggs!! 

We went out to a cafe and had long blacks which were surprisingly good and I can see myself getting used to. Then with our meal plan in hand we went to the fruit and veggie store and stocked up for the week then went to the supermarket. 

I think I gained superpowers from the long black or I was just a woman on a mission because we came home re-arranged the fridge, cleaned the house then began our meal prep for the week. Dan roasted the chicken which we will use for lunches during the week. He then went out for a friend and I spent the afternoon making sweet potato, apple bake which will be our breakfast for the next few days and then I made dinner. Right now I feel so accomplished but so exhausted. 

Favourite meal of the day was dinner again which was Potato rosti hamburgers. These were delicious and will now probably be our new way of eating hamburgers in the future. 

DAY 6 - 07/02/18 - Wednesday 

Woke up today and felt like I hadn't slept for weeks....que sinking feeling!!

I felt so drained; like my body was made of lead. Dan started work at 8am and I didn't even hear him leave. I woke up at 9am opened my eyes and immediately wanted to go back to sleep. I read and continued to rest until 10am and then finally dragged myself up with a promise to my body that I would take it easier today. I can appreciate that I have been really busy for me so this does make sense. 

I had the brief and I say brief thought that maybe a walk around the block might help but I could tell that this fatigue was different than just feeling tired and that it wouldn't be wise to push through this. I instead decided to do some yoga. I have found a really good YouTube channel where a woman who has a chronic illness herself does yoga sessions. I started with one but then soon realised my knees and wrists hurt too much so instead of push through (which I probably would have done in the past) I found a wonderful gentle restorative yoga sessions which I did. I will include that here...Restorative Yoga. This session helped me to relax and gentle stretch out my body. Just what I needed. 

I then had a shower where I had to use our shower bench to sit down and I soon realised standing was too hard. I napped and then went up and had dinner with Mum and Dad. I had a little burst of feeling more like me in the afternoon but by the evening could barely keep my eyes open. Its days like this I am so thankful for being organised. I didn't have to worry about any of my meals because we had done all the work! 

Favourtie meal of the day was breakfast which was Sweet potato apple breakfast bake (click on the link for the recipe). This was delicious and is a great easy breakfast for Dan to grab on the way to work. 

DAY 7 : 08/02/18 - Thursday 

I don't like to write this but today was rough........

Woke up with extreme fatigue, joint and body pain. I dragged myself from bed to the couch which even that simple task required a rest. I manged to get some food into me after a mini melt down when I dropped the Tupperware container on the floor because my wrist was too weak are sore to hold it. Again it is always the small things that end up tipping me over the edge. 

It was another sitting down shower kind of day even that left me feeling like I had run a marathon. My body hurt, my brain was foggy and the fatigue was unbearable. Having a shower put me in bed for over two hours. You know things are bad when even breathing feels like such a massive effort. Today was the first day since starting the Whole30 where I had to take some stronger pain medication. This is both amazing that I was able to last that long and also a little disheartening because I was doing so well. I will choose to look at what an achievement that was!! 

My amazing husband took the lead today and while I slept he worked his magic in the kitchen making our dinner, roasting vegetables and making another frittata for the days ahead. When I was finally able to get up Dan made me lunch and I rested on the couch. 

While everything felt out of control today it was nice to have some control about what foods I was putting into my body. Today more than ever was the day where I needed to feed myself well. 

My favourite meal was the delicious chicken chowder Dan made. You can find the recipe here Chicken Chowder.

Moving feels too hard today,

Standing feels too hard today,

Eating feels too hard today,

Holding a conversation feels too hard today,

Everything feels too hard today,

Then I am brought back down to earth with Mums comforting words,

' hunny please don't feel dishearten'. 

DAY 8 : 09/02/18 - Friday 

Short version: Today was hard! 

Longer version: Today was hard physically and emotionally. Last night I had to take a sleeping tablet due to horrible unrelenting pain. After trying everything I could I realised the only way I was going to escape into sleep was by taking a sleeping tablet. I finally got to sleep then woke up feeling like I hadn't even slept. All I wanted to do was NOT move an inch of my body. 

I woke up and could hear Dan rustling away in the kitchen making breakfast. I get up and he had whipped up meatballs in tomato sauce, poached egg served on top of a potato rosti! I am just going to say again how amazing he is!! 

I wanted to try and get out of the house to see if it would help or at least take my mind off the pain. I had a shower which of course resulted in a rest and the realisation the shit I am struggling. My body feels so incredibly weak and fragile. My joints feel like they have acid running through them. My mobility isn't good...I am just so uncomfortable! 

Dan picked up two long blacks and we went a did my favourtie thing...sit by the ocean. It was nice to get out and get some fresh air. It did help to get out. 

We all know what I did when I came home...went to bed. I got up and reluctantly took some more pain medication. I then went up to visit Mum and Dad. Mum took one look at me and could instantly see I was not well. I started talking to Mum and before I knew it I burst into tears. For me it feels upsetting to be looking after my body so well and to be feeling so miserable. Its hard to be putting in so much effort and not getting the results. Realistically I know it is very early days and I am still going to have these days and weeks; but its just hard. 

I am at a stage where I want to move on with my life and not be constantly battling against my body. I want more...is that selfish of me? 

Mum and I talked  how this feels really hard because I did have such good days earlier in the week. Its confusing to go from feeling so good to feeling so horrible. It feels cruel. 

Today I just feel really suffocated by Lupus. 

Its hard when I get a taste of wellness and then I am brought back here. If anything this does make me want continue to work hard so I can have more days of wellness; days of being able to cook in the kitchen, swim in the ocean, walk around the block and ultimately feel like myself! 

Recap of week one:

So as you can see Week One of Whole30 has been a whirlwind ride in the Hall household. 

Its been full of amazing pinch me moments and then has ended with some difficult emotions and unwanted pain and fatigue.

Every day Dan and I are learning more and more about our eating habits and patterns and experimenting with this new lifestyle. We have already gained so much and it has already been a week. 

For the first time I am finding I am eating all my meals as I am not grazing during the day. I am finding how much I have been eating out of habit and how often I will reach for food without even being hungry. 

The wonderful thing is that we haven't gone hungry or even really felt restricted; if anything we are both eating more than we usually would. 

Week one has been hard but not because of the Whole30! If anything it has been so wonderful to have the structure and to have a purpose again. I am excited to see what Week 2 brings. 

The Whole30 adventure is set to begin...

Let food be thy medicine

and medicine be thy food

- Hippocrates 

"Liv I think you should go gluten free."

" My friends Mum cured all her pain through not eating sugar."

"You shouldn't be eating tomatoes" 

"Have you cut dairy out of your diet?"

"Hey Liv have you gone gluten free yet??"

If I received a dollar every time I heard those questions or had diet advice recommended to me, let's just say I would be a very wealthy woman! While I know people are coming from a place of care and concern when they are offering advice, it can get exhausting to constantly hear. It often feels like everyone is trying to 'fix me' because I am 'broken'. Outward I would smile and thank them but internally I am yelling ' if I want to eat a bloody piece of cake or a slice of cheese then I will!'.
 (P.S this is not a dig at anyone! I am very open and receptive to advice I promise! I did wonder if I should probably take this out as I might offend someone but I think it is just a side of living with chronic illness that you experience and I want to be honest about it. Heck I know I do it to those I love as well!)

I have come to realise that I have lived in the mindset that I feel like Lupus takes away a lot in my life so if I want to eat (insert any food in here) then I will. I feel restricted in many areas and I didn't want to feel restricted with what I can eat either. Plus where was I going to get this extra energy from to maintain this new lifestyle? While I've had this mindset, there has always been a niggly thought in the back of my mind that I could try harder with my diet and the foods I put into my body but I always managed to quiet that with a packet of salt and vinegar chips.....

I knew (and hoped!) deep down that I would come to a place where I would decide to take more control over my diet and the foods I am putting into my body but I understood this was a decision I had to come to when I was ready in my own time. If I was to do this, it needed to be for me and not to keep other people comfortable. 

Drum roll please.....I AM NOW READY!

But where to start? Do I just cut out sugar or gluten or dairy or follow an anti inflammatory diet? The options are endless!

After much research and thought, I have decided to undertake what is known as the Whole30 program. 

What is the Whole30 program?

Certain food groups (like sugar, grains, dairy and legumes) could be having a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even realizing it. So how do you know if (and how) these foods are affecting you?

Strip them from your diet completely. Eliminate the most common craving-inducing, blood sugar disrupting, gut-damaging, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing. Push the reset button with your health, habits, systemic inflammation, and the downstream physical and psychological effects of the food choices you’ve been making. (https://whole30.com/whole30-program-rules/) 

In the past I have temporarily cut certain foods (mainly gluten) out of my diet to see if it helps control my symptoms, however so far I have been unable to find foods that trigger flare ups. Many times I have said to Dan that I almost wish I could identity a food that caused me to feel awful because then I would certainly stay well clear of eating it. The truth is, there are things in my diet that I am sure I am eating that are doing more harm that good and I feel that undertaking the Whole30 program, I will hopefully be able to pay close attention and undercover these potential food triggers. 

My lovely husband has decided to undertake this with me so for 30 days we will stay away from eating....

• Sugar - added of any kind, real or artificial
• Alcohol
• Grains 
• Legumes 
• Dairy
• Carrageenan, MSG, or added Sulfates  

 I must point out here that this is not to say these foods are necessarily 'bad' rather it is the idea that these are known foods that can cause unwanted effects on the body, the main one being inflammation.


Therefore we are able to eat:

• Meat
• Seafood
• Eggs
• Vegetables 
• Fruit
• Natural fats 

I know some of you by now are probably shaking your head and questioning why we are cutting so much from our diet. The simple answer is I AM SO TIRED OF LIVING IN PAIN. Something needs to change for me and at the end of the 30 days I still feel rubbish (which I highly doubt) I can take comfort in knowing that for 30 days I have fed my body whole, rich nutrient dense foods. 

I understand this plan won't sit right for everyone but it feels right to follow for me. 

For 30 days we will both focus on healing out guts. I like to think of it as using food to be my medicine! 

After the 30 days we enter a period of re-introduction where we will slowly add certain foods back into our diet and watch for any unwanted symptoms. This will be the crucial part for me where I will hopefully be able to discover foods that make my symptoms worse. 

I have read blogs where people have had debilitating symptoms disappear, people also report gaining more energy, sleeping better and just all round feeling better. There is a great testimonial page here which shows ways peoples lives have changed... https://whole30.com/2011/06/the-whole30-a-z-real-life-testimonials/

Dan and I have spent the last couple of weeks reading the Whole30 book, taking notes, finding receipes and familiarising ourselves with the program. We know to do this successfully we have to be prepared and educated. 

Our starting date is 2nd February as Mums birthday is on the 1st February and we want to be able to eat one last piece of cake haha! 

On Monday we spent the day cleaning out our freezer, fridge and pantry. We have filled two washing baskets with food we cannot eat and have decided to take away the temptation of having it in the house so will take it to mum and dads. We have sat down and written out our meal plan for the week and the all important grocery list. We also spent time writing down our goals and motivations for making this change as well as potential triggers (having a bad day, getting invitations out for dinner, having a flare up) and how we will overcome these (having prepared meals, communicating to each other, reminding ourselves of our goals). 

Bye bye temptation!

Dan and I have been laughing that the universe has been sending us signs all week that is time for us to start. My first sign came when I decided to have a piece of toast for breakfast only to have it get stuck in the toaster. We found some sausage rolls in our freezer so decided to eat them for lunch and with my first bite I burnt the roof of my mouth so have been left with a painful blister. Last night we had home made hamburgers which resulted in one of us having a very unhappy tummy for the rest of the night!! 

Right, I am off to stir my bone broth but want to end this blog post with a quote from the Whole30 book that really gave me the final kick I needed to do this. Stay tuned as we will share this experience with you!

This is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard.

 Fighting cancer is hard.

 Birthing a baby is hard. 

Losing a parent is hard.

 Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard. 

You’ve done harder things than this, 

and you have no excuse not to complete the program as written. 

It’s only thirty days, 

and it’s for the most important health cause on earth

—the only physical body you will ever have in this lifetime. 

Recovery and Healing

" Healing comes in waves and maybe today the wave hits the rocks,

and that's okay,

that's okay, darling

you are still healing

you are still healing."

- Ijeoma Umebinyuo, be gentle with yourself  

The 'acute unwell phase' of this infection is beginning to dissipate ... I am so thankful for that!

Unfortunately the next phase of recovery proves to be just as challenging. 

I wish that as I walked out of those hospital doors I would return back to my base line however I know that is not the case. I have a long way to go to get to where I was and that is daunting to say the least. 

I decided to keep a journal of my recovery so far; its raw and its real in places but hey it is my reality at the moment. I want this space and this blog to remain authentic and honour my journey so here we go....

Wednesday 11th January 

I was so thankful to be allowed out on leave today only having to return at 8 pm for my IV antibiotics. There was a sense of feeling like I have survived the 'worst part' mixed with a feeling of dread as I still have a huge mountain to climb. I still feel like I am in survival mode; I feel numb emotionally at the moment. My body is my main priority there is no room for emotions.

All I must do is survive; focus on one breath at a time. Swallow endless amount of pills; control my pain, control my nausea, try to eat, sleep and survive.  

Before I left hospital my IV line was changed as it has begun to not flush properly and was getting sore. I was let out mid afternoon and went back to Mum and Dads. That evening we were having dinner with my family from Perth before they flew home in the morning. All I could think of was how lucky I was to be there to spend that precious time with them. After some sad goodbyes I was taken back to the ward for my IV's. The antibiotics run for about 30 minutes followed by a 10 minute flush. I then have to wait 30 minutes and have a blood test as this is a really strong antibiotic. The doctors need to constantly monitor my kidneys to ensure they are giving me the right dose and that we are not harming them in the process. I leave feeling exhausted but also relieved to be heading home to my own bed. 

Finally I have to say goodbye to Mum and Dad as they are reluctantly heading away for a week. I am glad that we have convinced them to go because we all know they desperately need the break. I get to go and stay with my wonderful Nanna who is going to keep a close eye on me.

I just can't wait crawl into bed now!! 

Thursday 12th January 

It was so nice to sleep in my own bed with Dan next to me last night. It is always the small simple things that you miss. I slept pretty well till about 5am again when I was woken up with a really sore, unhappy tummy thanks to the IV antibiotics (was told to expect that!). I drifted in and out of sleep but was conscious that I had to be up at 7am to go for yet another blood test to check my kidneys.

Lying in a hospital bed gives you a false sense of 'wellness' because as I got up and attempted to get myself ready I realised how terrible I still felt. I was weak, shaky and clamy and that was all from trying to put some clothes on. I gave myself a little pep talk 'one blood test Liv you can do that!'  

I got myself to the lab probably resembling a character from The Walking Dead. My blood was taken and I immediately went back home to bed. 

Dan left for work and I somehow managed a shower which then put me back in bed feeling absolutely exhausted. Getting changed was hard; forcing myself to eat was hard and I was already feeling anxious about being home by myself so it was time to go to Nanna's. I was greeted by a warm comforting hug and knew exactly that's where I needed to be to begin to heal. 

The afternoon consisted of more sleep and a lovely visit from Sue. It was nice to be updated on the outside world and to forget about feeling horrible for an hour or so. Nanna of course managed to get my first proper meal into me for a few days and then before we knew it it was time to return to the ward. Again everything went smoothly and in just over an hour we were heading home.

By now I am physically and emotionally exhausted! 

Friday 13th January 

It has been another early start as we have to up at the hospital by 8am so that doctors can see me on their ward rounds. I have no energy to shower so just put on my clothes, half fall asleep into my rice bubbles, and collapse into the car to be driven back to the hospital. I get the all clear to be discharged after my last IV antibiotic tonight! Infection wise I am doing good my kidney doesn't hurt anymore and that sick feeling is disappearing. We just know that I have a long way to go to build my strength back up. This is a nasty infection even for a healthy body to fight so of course with everything else thrown in the mix its going to take me a lot longer. 

Together with my rheumatologist we make the call to stop Methotrexate for a number of reasons but mainly because I have seen no improvement in my health. At this stage the risks out weigh the benefits. I'm not prepared to put something into my body that is doing more harm than good. We also put the pieces together of this nasty infection and being immune suppressed from the Methotrexate which is another reason I have decided to stop it. So now I stop and just pray my body is okay without it! 

I get the good news that my kidney ultrasound was clear and everything looks fine there. I am given a script for 5 days worth of oral antibiotics and an anti nausea medication then free to go. We work out that this marks my 5th antibiotic I've now been prescribed in order to try and kick this infection! 

By now everything is beginning to catch up with me and I struggle to even keep my eyes open. I spent more of today asleep than awake. I know what it's like to feel fatigued but this is a whole new level! I am so grateful that I can just rest and sleep and Nanna so gracefully tends to my every need. Cooking me dinner, washing our clothes, wrapping me in blankets on the couch, checking I have had all my medication etc. I feel so safe and comfortable in her presence. 

I am exactly where I need to be. 

Understandably I have been worried about my job as I have missed a lot of time due to my health but I get a reassuring text that my 12 hours a week are safe and that I am to take all of next week off to recover. Again something else to be extremely thankful for.  

Before long it is time to head up for my final IV! By now we know the process so well. Again time goes quickly and before we know it I am complete. It is the best feeling getting my discharge papers and my cannula taken out. My lovely nurse gives us both a hug and wishes me all the best. 

I head home for a shower to wash away the hospital get into my pjs and Nanna cuts of my hospital band in celebration! It is time to close that chapter! 

Saturday 14th January 

Today the next phase begins...recovery and healing both physically and mentally. I feel like I am in that weird stage of not being acutely unwell but not yet feeling like myself. I think that's what is throwing me today I don't feel like myself. I feel like a shadow of myself. Somewhere tucked under the bone crushing fatigue I am there trying to claw my way back. Emphasis on the word trying!!

Today my brain is processing the week. It's finally sinking in. I think that now I am physically out of danger it is now my minds turn to process what has happened. Today when I close my eyes I am taken back to that ED room. I can vividly remember the pain and the look of distress on Dan and Dad's faces. I can hear my pleads to make the pain stop. I see myself whimpering on the bed. I feel the blood pressure cuff on my arm and my blood being taken. 

Trauma, pain, distress and fear! 

Today it is all hitting me. 

The bruises on my arms from blown veins serve as a constant reminder of the pain I've endured. I can't escape. I open my eyes I see the bruises and my body that struggles to function. I close my eyes and I am taken back to the hospital. 

Today it feels suffocating! 

Today I spent most of the day in my pjs on the couch and in bed. I managed to shower around 3pm only being able to stand for a little while before surrendering to the fatigue and sitting down on the shower floor letting the warm water wash over my achy body. 

I knew this day would come. It always does and it will probably feel like this for a little while. I know it's part of the process and that things will get better but right now I feel consumed. 

Today I am over it! I just a want to feel like me again! I miss myself! I miss Livvy. 

Sunday 15th and Monday 16th January

These two days just merged into one; one big haze of sleep and sleep and more sleep. 

There's nothing much to write. I wake up; get some breakfast into me; sit on the couch for a little while; surrender to the fatigue and go back to bed; get back up for lunch; go back to sleep; manage a shower; more sleep; dinner; another rest then sleep. 

I cannot believe how bone crushing this fatigue is. It is taking everything out of me. Simple once easy tasks now feel near impossible. I've only left the house to go for my trips back to the hospital. 

This fight is so hard! I told Dan I just feel like I've got nothing left..I have been fighting so hard that there is nothing left. He wraps me in his arms and tells me he won't let me fall, that he's got me and we are going to get through this. 

My beautiful friend has some words of wisdom when she told me that maybe the best thing for me to do right now is not to fight. To let things be, and that when we let go our bodies and minds know what to do. My reply was that I am so programmed to fighting that I think my problem is that I don't know how to let go. Honestly I think I'm scared to let go and trust my body. I'm afraid of how frail and weary my body is and how mentally exhausted I am too. I just don't have any room to slip. Right now I just don't feel safe inside of my body. 

This was her reply:

Letting go is not slipping darling xox it's not giving in or giving up. 

It's accepting we can't control some things and trusting the process of healing and trusting in something bigger than ourselves. I can only imagine how exhausted you are both mentally and physically and that's why I think you need to let go; to let go of putting any pressure on yourself to be positive and any other things that are weighing you down and just be. Just float. Because all this fighting is perhaps doing the opposite of what u want it to just now. And you WILL come out the other side. You will I have no doubt of that xoxox 

Even though I am struggling so much inside this body of mine I take huge comfort and peace knowing I am surrounded by indescribable amounts of love and support. Right now I take shelter in their loving arms and with their kind words. I can heal through their love. 

Thursday 19th January

On Tuesday Dan and I came back to our place. Dan had the next two days off work so was able to be home with me. We cannot thank Nanna enough for her gentle nurturing care over the last 5 nights. She is our wonder woman and we will forever be grateful for everything she did for us. 

Being home in our own environment is another step in the right direction. It is another hurdle still learning what my limits are. At home there is more to do and while I was home today and the dishes built up they began to annoy me. Dan had cleaned the kitchen and put the dishwasher on before work and I didn't want him to come home to a mess. This was easier said than done. Unloading the dishwasher took three trips to the couch to recover in between plates, cups and utensils. Another half an hour then I began to stack the dishwasher. This then left me shaky and dizzy so I surrendered to the couch. Half of me feeling accomplished the other half feeling frustrated! 

Yesterday I drove Dan to the supermarket so he could run in and do a big shop for us. Even driving to the supermarket was enough to completely wear me out. I had to have a sneaky sleep in the car while Dan went shopping then spent the afternoon in bed trying to recover. 

I am no where near where I want to be but I have had one word replaying over and over in my head today...patience! I must be patient and trust in the timing of my healing. Yes, I get frustrated and angry heck I cried in the shower this morning because I am so over feeling miserable but I am letting myself feel these feeling instead of resisting and blocking them. 

I get texts saying 'you'll be better soon' 'you'll be okay' and I know I will be; I always feel better and I will be okay but right in this moment I don't feel okay, and maybe that is okay as well. My body and mind have been through a lot. It hasn't just been this infection I don't think I even got a chance to recover from my hip procedure and all the pain I endured prior to that. There has been no break or respite for me in a very long time. 

My healing now lies within ensuring my mind has the space to process everything. My body is still recovering. Physically and mentally my energy levels have reached an all time low but perhaps there is healing in that as well. 

I need to learn to be okay again. I need to learn to trust again. I need to learn to live again. 

Here's hoping it won't be long until I have a much happier ,positive update but until then I will be sleeping, resting and healing my body, mind and soul. 

One moment and one breath at a time.