Recuperating Phase

" Maybe it's not supposed to be easy for you.

Maybe you're one of the rare few who can handle tough times and still be a loving person.

Maybe it's going how it's going because you're built for it...

Don't stress a thing.

It's going to work out because you're not going to stop putting the work in."

Rob Hill Sr 

Here I am again…It is currently a ridiculous hour of the morning and instead of continuing to toss and turn in bed while being extremely mindful that Dan has to get up at 5am, I have surrendered out to the lounge to find solace in pouring my meandering thoughts from my brain onto my intensely bright laptop screen. For a welcome change I currently can’t sleep thanks to being ‘normal’ person sick; the common cold has made itself welcome in my stupidly immune suppressed body. During the day I start to congratulate my body on fighting off the cold but by night time I find myself praying that my blocked sinuses, throbbing ear, scratchy throat and wheezy chest are not the beginning of dreaded infections. Can you tell by now being chronically unwell results in you becoming chronically paranoid? It becomes one big confusing mess of which symptoms can I ignore or which do warrant my attention and even after 23 years I still don’t have it worked out yet.

Life since I last blogged life has been…ummm…I have sat here trying to find the right phrase to describe it for about 5 minutes and all that comes to mind is a bit shit all over the place let’s say. Circumstances have changed quite suddenly and it’s been bittersweet in many ways. About two weeks ago I was told that contracts at work have changed resulting in my hours needing to be transferred to another social worker. I knew my job would come to an end sooner rather than later but I guess I was just not quite expecting it to be that soon. Yes I cried as my manager broke the news to me, I quietly blubbered as I packed up my desk and before I knew it I was at Mum’s work embraced in her arms because even when you are 26 when things go wrong nothing beats your mum’s arms wrapped around you. I was truly gutted because I LOVED my job there. The saving grace for me looking back now is that I could walk out of there with my head held high. I know I gave that job my absolute all. I take comfort in knowing that I have no doubt in my mind that I should have tried harder because I know perhaps my downfall was I pushed my own boundaries too hard at times…Que the time I was in so much pain after meeting with a client I threw up but then soldiered on visiting another client resulting in gracefully (hopefully) cutting the visit short so I could rush back and be sick again…I am so glamourous I know!

My work place had been nothing but supportive and nurturing in regards to my health challenges. I was blessed to work with such gracious individuals which trust me is harder to find than you think. While I was a student on placement I well and truly learnt this lesson. At a certain agency I was the ‘sick’ person; the one who was unpredictable and at times unreliable, who wasn’t quite as fast as her peers and who always seemed to need time off work for doctors’ appointments. I wasn’t seen as an individual who was capable, who was mature beyond her years, who had immense empathy for her clients and who was always willing to learn. However at my work place I was well and truly ‘seen’ as that person! Sure my health got in the way and did interfere with my ability to do my job BUT those other qualities shone brighter.

I think I have now officially broken the news to those close to me…the awkward conversations of loved ones asking me  how my job was going with me explaining what has happened which was usually met with ‘oh you loved that job’…yes, yes I did. I must confess I went to a BBQ last week and had in-depth conversations with people about my ‘job’ because I am not quite that ready to pull out the ‘unemployed’ card just yet.

I must say that over the last two weeks my health has steadily begun to improve (yay!). This has left me thinking about how productive I could have been at work but then remembering that I have been able to sleep in and have been doing nothing but caring and listening to my body which is why I probably feel a bit better. I have had time and space to let my body rest instead of this crazy pattern of push then crash, then push then crash. Maybe this was God’s not so subtle way of saying ‘liv you need to focus on regaining your health again’. I think he was trying to give me hints all along (que a hospital admission) however I was too stubborn to take notice. As much as I don’t want to ‘focus’ on my health because at times it just feels like a whiny, needy, brat I think that in order for me to get stronger, gain stability and take back control I NEED to.  I still have plans, I have dreams of my ideal job and if anything this has made me more motivated to start putting into action these plans. For now I take comfort in knowing that I don’t have to continually focus on pushing myself and for the first time in a while I can solely focus on getting myself back to my baseline and even above that!

 My motto currently is RECOVER, REST and REPEAT.