How are you? Overwhelmed!

I would be the first person to raise my hand and admit that I love a good inspirational quote. My brother has given me a lot of slack over this. His favourite one to quote back me is 'life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away'. We had that quote on our stairwell until he thought it would be funny to change some of the letters..brothers!
Often when I am unwell I am guilty of searching for these type of quotes on Pinterest as a way of bringing myself motivation and comfort. I was on the other night at goodness knows what hour and found these quotes were beginning to irritate and annoy me which was the opposite of what I was trying to achieve.

Here is an insight into my thought process that night:

Pinterest: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain
Livvy: 1) I hate the rain it makes my joints hurt; 2) I can't even stand up so how am I meant to dance!

Pinterest: Choose where your energy goes
Livvy: Or get an autoimmune illness and it will decide for you!

Pinterest: What you allow will continue
Livvy: What?! I just have to not 'allow' lupus in my life and I will be cured?

Pinterest: Just breathe
Livvy: I am bloody breathing!!!

Self care activity fail!
Then the realisation hit me...I am officially in a funk!!

I strive to be an optimistic person; to be positive; glass half full kind of girl but lately im going to be honest I have felt overwhelmingly irritable. Lately Dan's favourite saying is to tell me to take my sassy pants off!

Life has been overwhelming....oh so overwhelming! So now I am going to write it all down and hopefully try to get some of these feelings out of my spinning head ...sorry in advance I don't have the energy to take my sassy pants off! This might be a long post.

I was watching YouTube (yes you spend a lot of time on the internet when you are chronically unwell) before I had my car accident and there was clip of a girl crying because her car got written off and I can distinctively remember thinking 'pffffht really...who cries over a car?!' fast forward a few weeks later I had my accident then guess what I was the girl crying over her car being written off! Not cool universe; not cool! Yes folks my beloved and faithful Echo was written off and is now probably been condensed to scrap metal. RIP! Lesson learnt it turns out you do get attached to cars!

Next was a trip to Auckland to see the hand surgeon on the 8th June about my misbehaving tendons. Again I am reminded of the impact that Lupus has had on my poor joints. I am told this is not a common procedure that he would only perform every two years or so and this is coming from a man who solely operates on hands. It seems the only way to be able to gain relief from these subluxing tendons now is going to be through surgery. He told me he wouldn't be able to give me perfect hands which I laughed off and said as long as they work better than they currently do I will be happy. The plan was for me to get a MRI here at home then he was going to review the results and get me back up to Auckland to make a surgical plan.

Since currently my health has been too unstable for me to be able to hold down even a part time job I have made a constant effort in trying to take back control in manageable ways. One way I am able to do this is through volunteering. I was put in touch with an amazing new community charity who were keen to train me up to be able to become a support worker. I eagerly went along for a day of training on the 12th June and left feeling humbled about getting the opportunity to help out. Mentally I felt re-energised and excited; physically I felt absolutely awful! Yep you guessed it that one day of training triggered a nasty flare. The rest of that week was spent recovering. Since then I have also had to reluctantly had to turn down an opportunity to support a guest due to my own poor health. This never gets any easier trust me.

Lets take a minute to add in some happy news...that weekend we celebrated my wonderful Nanna's 80th birthday. Now Nanna knows how to throw a party and I'm talking juke-box, disco ball, dancing till midnight party. Plus she wore a tiara! She really is my Queen! It was also made extra special by having Josy travel down from Auckland as a surprise. We made such special memories that night.

It never ceases to amaze me what adrenaline and a few glasses of bubbly can do to my body! I danced like every bone in my body didn't hurt and for the night it was amazing to just forget. To just be in the moment. Sadly we know what goes up must come down...my sheer determination and drive won that night but now my body took over. Did I regret it? Not in the slightest! Was the next week hard...you betcha it was!

Monday: was a horrendous pain day! Was up in the shower at 5am trying to gain some relief from blasting myself with hot water. Dad had to drive me to an appointment because I physically couldn't and I had to cancel another. The rest of the day was spent in bed or on the couch. I looked back on photos from Saturday night and wondered how I was still the same person.

Tuesday: I spend all day in bed in preparation for Seasons for Growth group. I had missed last weeks one due to being unwell so was not missing another one. Somehow I got there and pushed through it. Thanks again adrenaline! Then at 8pm I get an unexpected phone call from Dan...can you please come and pick me up I don't feel well? Headache, body ache, fever, shivery and a nasty cough. Hello Flu! After getting Dan in the shower and then into bed I did what any person with a compromised immune system would do, lock myself away in the spare room and pray I wouldn't catch it.

Wednesday: Dan is so sick! I don't think he moved from the couch except to change his t-shirt about five times. Of course that means it's a Netflix day and we basically watch the new season of Orange Is the New Black in one day. At 1pm I had my MRI for my hand. Now this was an experience. I have had plenty of MRI's before so knew what was to be expected. This was a new MRI machine that I hadn't been in before as it was done privately and not through the hospital. I had to lie in an awkward 'superman position' with my hand stretched out and placed firmly in a concoction to hold it still. Once they got me as comfortable as possible and Ed Sheeran was playing through my headphones I was put into the machine and this is when something bizarre happened. As I entered I got this overwhelming feeling of vertigo. I felt like I was rolling off the bed! I then began to reason with myself maybe I'm anxious? Maybe my body is just really uncomfortable in this position? Maybe I'm coming down with Dan's flu? During this scan I think I utilized all my mindfulness and deep breathing exercises. Throughout my time in the machine the tech kept coming in and would try and realign my hand. After about 45 minutes she came in pulled me out and said...'I'm sorry but part of the machine isn't working properly and we cant get clear images so we are going to have to order in a new part and you'll have to come back and be re-scanned'. Shit! I just lay in there feeling so miserable for no reason. By this stage I just needed to get out there before I a) passed out or b) threw up! I made it home to the couch and then slept for a few hours and tried my best to be patient, kind and tend to Dan's needs.

Thursday: Still sleeping in my single bed and feeling quiet proud that I have not caught Dan's flu. Thank you flu jab. My day started nice and early with a hospital appointment to see my rheumatology nurse. There was no sugar coating my health this time. We looked over my long list of failed medication and I had the sinking feeling she was preparing the 'I don't know what's next' speech instead she said ' I think we need to get you a QE hospital admission'. QE Health is an amazing pain rehabilitation hospital in Rotorua. When I was 17 I did a three week and then a two week stay there and it changed my life. We decided that I needed this again to get a fresh set of eyes to renew my case and for me to work on rehabilitating this weary and pain riddled body of mine. I can do this!

Friday: Another early start for round two of my MRI scan. I was nervous this time in case I had a similar reaction so I took an anti-nausea tablet in preparation. I mentioned it to the tech and she said that for some people the magnetic field can affect their inner ears and this is especially the case in newer machines. Brilliant Liv you had to be someone who is experiences this! Again as soon as I was pushed into the machine the dizziness began but this time I was prepared so it was more manageable. This time everything worked as it should and they got all the images.

What a week it was! We have learnt that our household does not function so well when Dan gets sick.It was this weird role reversal which was made harder by the fact that I wasn't well myself but I had not caught his bug so I was happy....until Saturday struck. Hello gnarly headache, blocked ears, sore throat, stuffy nose and cough. What a delightful end to a stressful week. Thankfully mine hasn't been as bad as what Dan got and my body has been able to fight back. Perhaps thanks to my flu jab??

The latest update is I have an appointment to see the hand surgeon on 20th July and my rheumatologist has sent an urgent referral to QE hospital. Busy times ahead!!!


Back to that night when I was on Pinterest and I thought I would give it one more try and this quote appeared on my screen....

"Your story isn't calm. 

The road has been chaotic at times, 

filled with detours and rain and loss so sudden, and too soon. 

Sometimes the bliss was so elevated your heart could hardly hold it. 

Sometimes it was maddening to have, and then to lose. 

You learn soon enough that it hardly ever goes as planned--gentle, easy and smooth. 

But that my friend,is what makes you fascinating.

 You have something to tell.
Something you've walked though.

 Something wild

. Something courageous.

 Something true. 

You're made of stories within stories within even more stories. 

Those quiet depths of you."

- Victoria Erickson

Suddenly in the middle of the night engulfed in a body full of pain I reached out and grabbed Dan's hand and whispered the words 'we are going to be okay'.

Unpredictability

'She felt very young; at the same time unspeakably aged'

 - Virginia Woolf

There is a split second as I transition from being sleep to waking up where I can usually tell what my day is going to be like. 

Same days as soon as I open my eyes I am overcome by pain. 

Those are the days I long to slip back to sleep to escape again. 

Other days I wake up and my first thought is 'thank you body'. 

These are the days when I do not have to automatically reach over to my bottle of codeine;
a day where I have a little more room to breathe;
where I may be productive.

Everyday in that split second I am welcomed by pain it just depends to what degree.

You learn to adapt but you never truly get used to it. 

There are days when I wake up and in that split second before I am fully present in my body 

I can forget about the pain.

 Blissfully unaware of what I am going to face. 

It is heavenly and cruel at the same time.

 It's like a tiny glimpse of being in a healthy body then suddenly it is whisked away 

in a matter of second. 

In my dreams I run, I have endless energy, I feel no pain, 

I am free and then I wake up 

and find myself in a cruel nightmare that I cannot wake up from.

If I had to describe my health at the moment I would use the word 'unpredictable'. One day I struggle; the next I have more energy; the next my pain is really severe; the next I start to feel like my old self again and then I am bed ridden again and all that can happen in one day. It's an exhausting place to be mentally to say the least. I don't know when I open my eyes what I am going to face and things can change within a matter of minutes which leaves me feeling really unsettled and anxious.

Three weeks ago I had an AMAZING week for the first time since I got this nasty infection. I was able to go to work three days! I thought finally I might be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel! Everyone noticed a difference in me but I was cautiously optimistic; I didn't want to jinx myself. Bring on Monday and another working week and I wake up to severe pain that made me physically sick and just like that I was brought down back to earth with a thud! I lay in bed begging the morphine to kick in and take away some of my pain. I switched back to survival mode and became quite despondent. Why? Why let me feel better then put me back here so quickly? Then by Friday I was starting to feel a lot better...see what I mean now!

To my amazement last week I was able to work my full 12 hours! Twelve glorious hours of feeling purposeful and fulfilled. For once my body was playing the game. I was so proud of myself because I knew how hard I worked to get there. If you know me by now and the nature of my illness there is always a but...by the weekend it became clear that my body had been pushed to it's limits and was not impressed with me. The weekend was spent sleeping, resting, recovering in an attempt to gain some sort of wellness for Monday. Monday came and I gave myself a little pep talk ' you can do this!' On went my brave faced as I endeavoured to hide my pain and discomfort. I struggled to focus...a mix of overwhelming pain and fogginess from the pain killers clouded my brain. I am there in person but my mind is else where. I am consumed by the battle being fought in my body. I sit there and day dream about what it must be like not be to in pain...I want to scream do you know how lucky you are that you have a body that isn't attacking itself? I ache with jealously as everyone walks around so effortlessly...do they treasure those precious steps? As fate has it as soon as I write that sentence a group of women run past my dining room window...thanks world!

I 'survived' at work until lunchtime and by the time I got into my car I burst into tears; tears of pain, frustration and tears of sadness. Everything just became hard again. Pain gets stronger, I feel weaker! I came home took some pain medication and sank into my bed. The last few days not a lot has changed. My pain is still flaring and my soul is exhausted. I am longing for those good days to come back or at the moment i'll take a little less pain,..pretty please.

I've had a few specialist appointments lately. I saw my Rheumatologist and we've hit a bit of a bump in the road again with treatment plans and what to do. My case is complicated as over the years I have reacted or found no relief from many medications. The hard thing with Lupus is that medications prescribed are used in other conditions such as Rheumatoid Arthritis,Cancer and in organ transplant patients to prevent rejection. So this leaves us in a trial and error situation. It is daunting looking at my long list of failed medications. The only medication that has ever really helped is Prednisone..again which is far from ideal. We discuss the possibility of a medication called Rituxan as a future possibility. It would not be an easy medication to get at this stage but when the time comes we will cross that bridge. We decided that for now to leave this medication as our 'safety net' which for me is reassuring to know we have an option when the time comes. For now I wanted a rest away from these nasty medication and their frightening side effects. I am so tired of putting these toxic drugs in my body when there is no way to guarantee they will help me anyway. We talked about my extreme fatigue and he stated how that is the hardest symptom to treat. There is no medication to magically take away the fatigue. So like many things I just have to ride it out....He did introduce a new medication called Nortriptyline which I take at night to help me sleep and help with my pain. It does seem to be working a treat so I am thankful for that.

Next on the list was an appointment with my Ophthalmologist to check my eyes. I had begin to notice my eyes felt cloudy and reading was becoming more difficult. As Plaquenil has given me early stage retinal toxicity I immediately made an appointment to see him. Of course this has resulted in more tests being ordered so we can hopefully identify the culprit...I am hoping I just need my prescription in my glasses changed and no further damage has occurred.

Finally I had an appointment with the Oral Surgeon to see about getting a new retainer made for my jaw. I am finding due to my high pain levels lately my jaw has decided to pop in and join the pain party. We think majority of the pain is coming from me clenching my jaw as a result of the pain and grinding my teeth at night. Yet another appointment was made to come back in and get my impressions made for my splint.

Then to wrap it all up I had a letter from my GP asking me to go to MedLab to get bloods taken so she can just check my levels again. I texted Dan from MedLab saying 'I feel like looking after my health is a full time job!'. The more I think about it the more it is true. Living with a chronic illness IS a full time job. Except for the very obvious difference that you don't get paid, you don't get time off, there is no holiday leave and you cant just hand in your resignation when you have had enough. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, 23 years living with Lupus has been my full time job.

I always want to bring you a cheery, happy blog post as recently they have understandably been difficult reads. I know it breaks my family and friends hearts to read about this pain and a big part of me feels guilty for that. I just feel that there is healing in me being able to write down my experiences. I struggle to talk about this pain to people...my automatic response is usually 'I'm okay'. I can't sugar coat this though the reality is living with this illness is hard, emotional and raw. I've said it before and I feel like I need to say it again. I don't want you to feel sorry for me or pity me. I strive so hard every day not to let Lupus rule my life. Maybe if anything I just want you to really treasure your gifts you have and don't take a single step for granted. I just want to thank you all from the bottom on my heart for all your kind and support comments. These are the little gems that I hold on to when things are tough.

I guess the beauty is that there is always still hope; hope that tomorrow I will wake up and the pain will be less; hope that this flare will burn itself out quickly; and hope that soon things will be looking up again. That's the nature of this illness you never know what is going to happen. I am extremely thankful that I have had some good days though. It is encouraging that my body still does remember how to have them. For once I am going to be greedy and ask for some more!

 I've got a beautiful life that I want to fulfill and live preferably without this pain!

Rebuilding

'I know this transition is painful,

but you're not falling apart; 

you're just falling into something different,

with a new capacity to be beautiful.'

William C Hannan

Do you remember the game Jenga you played as a child? The one with the wooden blocks that get stacked upon each other and the goal is to pull out a block without collapsing the entire tower. The tower starts out strong, solid and centered but as the game progresses the tower becomes unsteady, unstable and ultimately unable to stand on its own.

 I feel like my life currently resembles this game.

I have felt my tower collapse multiple times.   I have sat on the floor helplessly wondering how I am going to pick up the pieces yet again. I have been that little five year old who cries that its not fair that their tower collapsed. That I wasn't ready and that I want another turn! I have held my breath as a piece of me is removed and my whole equilibrium shakes.

Will I hold it together or will I break and crumble?

Pain has been stacked upon pain, fatigue built upon fatigue. Sleepless nights, painkillers, limitations, frustrations make for a very unsteady tower. I open my eyes and wonder will my tower hold today, can I handle another pain filled day? Please just hold a little longer.

My tower collapsed over the last months, I have stared at my broken blocks on the floor and know that now is the time that I must rebuild. I must move forward. I can do this, I have done this many times before.

One block at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time.

Rebuilding is scary...and confusing. How do I make the pieces fit back together? Should they fit back together? Do I need a new plan to ensure my tower has steady ground?

This rebuilding stage took a turn I wasn't quite prepared for. It was a tower that I had dreamed of but wasn't quite sure on how to build. I was offered a job...! Twelve hours a week; Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9am-1pm. A job as a care and protection social worker at a wonderful agency where I completed my third year placement. I was to start the next week! Just like that everything changed.

                                                 

I began placing my blocks on a steady foundation of rest, early nights, self care, medication and ensuring I was surrounded by my solid support system. We all knew this would be a challenge and it still is every single day but I knew I needed to try. Prayers, good thoughts and positive vibes were sent out that I would be able to cope.

It has felt amazing having a purpose away from my illness again. To be able to use all my years of hard study and apply them to practice. On the flip side it has been challenging. I have struggled with the fact that my mind goes 100 miles an hour and is so able but my poor body functions probably well under 50% currently. I get frustrated with myself (which I know is not helpful) when I cannot do what I need to. I will admit that currently every last bit of my strength is going into work and then I am left with not much else. My days off are spent sleeping and recovering...or attempting to.

I am telling myself I am rebuilding. We all must start somewhere and I am confident my body will adjust to this new routine. There is such a fine line between gently pushing my body and completely overdoing it. I need to be aware of this and focus on what I CAN do as opposed to what I cannot.

I saw my rheumatologist here last week and we have decided that it was time to start Methotrexate injections with the aim of me being able to lower my Prednisone (next blog post will talk about this more).

On Thursday I had a dull throbbing headache which I put down to over doing it. I awoke on Friday with it still there but went into work as I had a meeting. I get into work and was checking my emails when all of a sudden my eyes went all blurry and fuzzy. Then my head started pounding like nothing I had experienced before. I'll spare you the details but a stomach upset was then added into the mix. Cue Migraine time!! I found a quiet retreat in the play room on the couch where I curled up to close my eyes and hope that I still might be okay. No such luck. I was driven home where I spent the remainder of the day in my dark room with a flannel on my forehead. Surely sleep would make it go away....by the evening I was still feeling unwell but the pain had eased a bit. I woke up the next morning feeling a little better. I thought it was over....only for it to kick in again with full force. Light and sounds were excruciating and my brain felt like it was throbbing in time with my heart beat. Another alarm bell went of when I was unable to hold down my medications.

Dan called Mum who immediately came down and took me to the emergency doctors. Leaving my dark room was extremely distressing as every move my brain felt like it might explode. I turned up at the doctors in a far from glamorous state. Mum wrapped around my arm, cold flannel to my face and a bowl under my other arm. Thankfully I was taken to a dark quiet room after mum asked the receptionist to turn down the radio.Waiting rooms are not migraine friendly.

I quivered on the bed willing the doctor to hurry up to give me something to help with the pain. After about an hours wait I was seen by the nurse and then the doctor. I muttered a few words and thankfully mum did the rest. I was prescribed an injection which went into my hip (I have no idea what it was!). Mum was told she had half an hour to get me home and then I would probably sleep for four hours. I remember coming home then I was out cold. Sleep was a heavenly escape. Once I woke up I managed some dinner then was back in bed by 8.30pm and slept soundly until 9.30am.

Yesterday I was left feeling very washed out. I felt weak and achy and just generally not myself. I still needed heavy painkillers and because I wasn't able to keep my medication down the day before my body was very sore. There was lots of sleeping and resting and trying to get comfortable. I was still light and sound sensitive. Just to add to the mix I had to inject myself with Methotrexate which I think was the easiest thing I had done all weekend then it was another early night...

Today I reluctantly stayed home from work to begin to rebuild my tower with rest, sleep, warm showers, warm cups of tea and time to allow my body to heal. If I had pushed to go to work today I would have added pain, fatigue and frustration to my already unsteady tower. My head is feeling a lot better and the light sensitivity is now gone. I am just left feeling physically and mentally drained.

What it all essentially comes down to is balance. Will this move make me stronger or will it throw me off balance.

The game continues......but for now it is time to rest this weary head.

I will continues to rebuild one block at a time.

New hope

'There will be an answer...let it be,

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be'

- The Beatles

I often like to compare living with a chronic illness to being on a constant roller coaster ride.
You go up and down, round and round; high highs where you feel untouchable and then of course the stomach turning lows. There is no denying the fact that the last six months have felt like my roller coster carriage has been hurtling downhill in what felt like a never ending tail spin. I wanted to pull on the emergency break. I wanted it to stop but all I could do was cling on for dear life and remember that we cannot travel downhill forever. There will be a break...there has to be. What goes down must go up...right?!

It has been a while since my last post and there are big updates ahead. I have come to understand that my blog will go quiet for two very different reasons:

1) I am physically too unwell to sit in front of a computer. The days when all my diminished energy needs to go into simple self care like making sure I eat, keep up with medication and sleeping. These are the days when I am fighting the hardest but words do not flow easily from my foggy brain. Survival mode.

2) Is when I get a window of respite from my pain and fatigue..so what do I do? I begin to rebuild, I begin to feel alive. These are my most treasured days and moments. Living mode.

Thankfully I can say that my blog has been quiet for reason...wait for it...2!

In order for this to make any sense I need to back track to the 20th of September. A day when a marvelous Rheumatologist was able to finally pull the emergency hand break and allow me a chance to catch my breath. I have come to understand that when you meet doctors and specialists pretty early on you can tell how the appointment is going to go. I was greeted with a warm smile, a steady handshake and instantly felt at ease. Dr M had a gentleness and calmness about him. He let me tell my story while he listened intently. I had his full undivided attention. He cared and I knew I was in safe hands. After an in-depth medical history and an examination of my joints he calmly said 'okay I have three option for you'. I let out a huge sigh of relief not realising that I had been anxiously holding my breath.

1) He explained that it was clear that Plaquenil was doing an excellent job of helping to control my symptoms but unfortunately that was now no longer safe for me to take it again. He suggesting keeping me on an anti-malarial medication but one that did not have the side effects of retinal toxicity. The medication he suggested is called Quinacrine. It's lovely side effect that I have to watch out for is yellow discoloration of my skin! That's a new one to add to the list of bizarre side effects. The only downside is that Quinacrine is not subsided by Pharmac so we have to pay for it ourselves each month. It is also no longer manufactured so therefore I have to get my own tablets made up at a compounding pharmacy. V.I.P status right there!!

2) The next option was to begin a medication called Baclofen to assist with the painful spasms I have been experiencing in my foot. Baclofen is prescribed as a muscle relaxant and anti-spasm agent.

3) Finally, as over the years I have reacted or gained no results from a majority of immune suppressants, Dr M suggested retrying Methotrexate. Last time I struggled on this medication due to side effects but if my memory serves me right I was able to reduce my steroids considerably. Prednisone is the only thing that seems to keep me stable which is far from ideal. At this stage I would rather sacrifice a day or two recovering from the side effects each week if the rest of the week my pain could be lessened. I say that now so if I start complaining of side effects please direct me back here!

I walked out of that appointment with a smile on my face. Finally there was a plan. I had answers and a new direction with my treatment. It was time for things to change.

On the 30th September I celebrated my twenty sixth birthday; I like to think this gave me new hope. I could close the chapter on being twenty five; reflect back to the wonderful blessing that this beautiful year gave me; our wonderful wedding being the highest on the list. I also felt that at the same time it was a chance to let go of all that pain and acknowledge that yes it was hard but I made it...I did it and now I have a new chapter to live. In a way it felt cleansing for me. It's not to say the pain isn't still there or somehow I am miraculously healed by turning 26 (I wish!) but for some reason it feels like a new start.

My final birthday present neatly wrapped up from Mum and Dad was my new medication Quinacrine  . We had to wait for it to be made and the day of my birthday the pharmist rang Mum to say it was ready to be picked up...if that wasn't a good sign I don't know what is. It sounds silly but I think that had to be my best birthday present (not that I didn't love and appreciate my other gifts :) )

The next day I swallowed my first little yellow pill (I can now see how your skin can turn yellow on these!!). I started with one a day for a week then increased up to two tablets once a day. As the weeks ticked by things began to change. I should also mention the incredible relief Baclofen was providing as well...no more spasming foot.

With each neon yellow pill I swallowed I felt my body almost breathe a sigh of relief. The war inside my body felt like it was starting to ease. My bones didn't ache like they used to, morphine was switched for codeine and I spent more hours in a day awake rather than asleep. 

Each time a pill enters my mouth I feel my body growing stronger;I feel my smile growing wider and I feel my disease activity lowering. Yes these little perfect pills are working!

These pills hold hope for me; they hold the chance to flourish, thrive and to ultimately live! To be comfortable in my own skin. To begin to love my body again. To have some form of control over the pain.

I am in the process of rebuilding; rebuilding my body, my soul, rebuilding my life. It is exciting and terrifying at the same time. I need to trust; trust I am on the right path and that things will fall into place. Trust that I will be okay. Trust that this can work.

There is always a plan...always an answer, sometimes it just takes a heck of a long time to revel itself!  

Mum summed it up perfectly for me the other day. She said 'Liv it seems like you have some of your spark coming back' and for the first time I didn't have to lie because I truly felt it as well. 

It is early days but I cannot tell you how much I am treasuring these beautiful moments. I haven't introduced Methotrexate yet but see my specialist next week to talk about the possibility of adding it into my treatment plan. I have a long way to go I will admit that but for now I take immense comfort in knowing I have made progress and I am not stuck like I was previously. Hitting rock bottom is absolutely terrible and I would never wish it upon anyone but I tell you the ride back up is one of the most beautiful journeys you will ever take. Life looks a whole lot different on the ride up.

So here is to my spark continuing to grow brighter and stronger each and every day!!!