Unloading uncomfortable emotions

Isn’t it ironic that I want to sit down and write a blog post about anger and these nitty gritty raw emotions I have been feeling these last few weeks and I am suddenly overwhelmed with a wave of intense fatigue and a heart that is beating like I am out exercising and not just sitting up right at the table.  

BODY CAN YOU NOT!!! Please just cooperate! 

After a little compromise I now find myself propped up in bed typing this. Nice try body but we are powering through to write this blog post.

Cue the lavender oil on temples and deep breaths and now that I am comfortable and calm lets write about feeling frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and dear I say it pissed off….

I have a tendency when I feel these hard, uncomfortable emotions to quickly cover them up with a positive thought...

‘Liv you have so much’;

‘Other people have it worse’; 

‘Things will get better’. 

Aren’t we always told to be grateful for what we have? 

Then I find myself feeling guilty for being angry etc. I am learning that this positive outlook does indeed serve me incredibly well however there needs to be times we I just allow myself to feel angry or sad without trying to cover it up.

On Monday I found myself back in the safe, comforting, familiar space where I knew it was time to try and process and unpack all of these uneasy emotions I have been feeling. There is no doubt it is hard talking about these overwhelming feelings but there is also such a release and peace that comes once I have muddled my way through. I have always been a bottler but in this space I sit down and the words just come tumbling out. I go into my sessions not knowing what I am going to say but trusting and knowing that whatever needs to surface will.

I would say I am naturally not an angry person. Angry is not an emotion that comes easily for me. Sure I get frustrated but it takes a lot for me to get truly angry even then it’s probably a very mild and tame form of the emotion.

The words ‘I just feel so frustrated, fed up and angry’ poured out of my mouth. Yep turns out that I was suppressing those emotions more than I probably realized.

Living with a chronic illness effects so much more than just your physical health. It seeps its way into every aspect of your being and not only yours but of those around you as well. It feels suffocating. I feel like my family and I have been all walking on eggs shells these last few months. Trying desperately to grab hold some normality in this chaotic uneasy chapter we find ourselves in.

I find myself constantly fighting this battle between wanting and craving to have the freedom, opportunities and choices others have but knowing that right now in this chapter my reality is that I need help with the smallest of tasks. It is so hard at age 27 admitting that right now I am extremely reliant on those around me. I strive to be as independent as I can but after a recent solo trip to the supermarket the reality of how unwell I currently am hit me somewhere around the cereal aisle where I began to panic that I needed to get out of there and lie down. Right now trying to push my body is not wise. I don’t feel safe in this body of mine. There will come a time when I can start to push but I know that is not until I can get better control of this high heart rate and miserable symptoms.

The longer I sat with anger another emotion began to bubble to the surface.
I didn’t want to feel this,
it felt so raw and powerful,
hot tears streamed down my face.
I whispered the words out loud,
‘The anger was just suppressing the grief and sadness I feel deep within my soul’.  

I carry with me a deep sadness and I think that’s your reality when you have such a close relationship with pain and illness. I think to some extent we all do, it’s called being human.

As I made room for the sadness and grief I allowed myself to say out loud a question that almost seems unforbidden to speak. It was a question that didn’t need to be answered, a questions that can't be answered but one that I just needed in that moment to have to words leave my mouth…the two words I spoke were…'why me?’ and we just let those words fill the room and just be. Just be, without having to quickly dismiss them with a positive phrase, or remind myself to be grateful. For the first time those words were spoken out loud and I wasn’t made to feel guilty for saying them.

The anger I have been feeling has been valid; it’s a normal response to the situation I find myself in. I wonder if I was to ask my family if they have even noticed this emotion in me? Perhaps it’s more an internal bubbling frustration that is simmering away inside of me. If I stop and pay attention I know now that the deeper issue is this intense feeling of sadness and grief. These emotions and feelings are just as valid and the physical symptoms I am experiencing. They deserve to be heard and acknowledged which is why I have decided to write about them.

For me in that Hakomi session just being able to voice those emotions and truly give myself space to have an honest conversation is exactly what I needed. In this space I don’t need to be fixed or be told what to do, I don’t need a plan or to look on the bright side of life I just need the space and time to turn inwards and speak the words I have been afraid to say out loud.

This chapter of life is messy, ugly, painful and extremely chaotic. I am being tested every day. I am having to continually dig deeper and rely on that inner strength to see me through the day. I have no shame in admitting that I am terrified, scared and feel completely out of my depth a lot of the time.  I know what I am feeling is in response to the challenges I am currently facing with my body. These past few months have been some of my hardest and scariest yet and I still feel like I am in the midst of it all. But with all that said I know I am okay. I am doing it and I am somehow finding my way through the best I can and I am so extremely proud of myself for that.  

I don’t usually say this but please keep checking in on us. Not just me but my family as well. We are so thankful for everyone’s support and love and I assure you it is what we are currently clinging to right now. 

I thought I'd end with this little story that for some reason popped into my head this morning and seems to sums things up perfectly....

On Monday afternoon while Dan ran in to get some groceries I suddenly had a craving for a banana milkshake. I normally would have ignored it but thought I deserved a treat after all my hard work. Dan being the absolute darling that he is ran over to McDonalds to pick me up one. On his return and with milkshakes in both hands he blurted out ‘hunny they didn’t have any banana ones!’ 

There was a brief pause as he looked at me probably waiting for me to burst into tears.

 Instead we sat there in the car and burst out laughing. 

‘I got you strawberry instead’ he said as he tentatively handed it over. 

More laughter as we both agreed that isn’t that just the perfect analogy of my life at the moment. 

We all want the banana milkshake, we are craving the banana milk shake but instead we have a strawberry one. Maybe the truth is that it is okay to be frustrated and angry to have been handed the strawberry one but the longer I drank the creamy cold milkshake I thought to myself ‘hey this is actually quite nice too’.  

I smile to myself and know that my turn for a banana milkshake WILL come but until then I will savour my strawberry one as much as I can.