Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Pain in my hip!

"You've got what it takes but it will take everything you've got"

Pain...a simple four letter word, easy to say, easy to spell and that's about where my list of positive things end about the word. If you type the word 'Pain" into Google it revels 814,000,000 results in 0.18 seconds. People all around the world are searching for answers to explain their pain but most importantly answers on how to escape it and make it go away. I think we all fear pain on some level- it's uncomfortable, frightening, foreign for most people and makes us lose control. The good news is most pain is acute meaning that it will hurt and be painful but it will pass. Chronic pain on the other hand has settled in, made itself at home and for the foreseeable future isn't budging from your body.

Intense, exhausting, miserable, cruel, nauseating, burning, suffocating, distressing, excruciating pain!

These are the words I would use to explain my left hip which has been an on going issue for a year and a half. It's the kind of pain every cell in your body screams out to. Every part of you desperately wants to escape from. It's a pain that has become way too familiar and frequent for my liking.

Things took a bad turn in March 2013 when after a lupus flare my pain became localised in my left hip. It was as if all the pain in my body suddenly went to this one area. I've lived with pain but never experienced pain this severe before in a joint. My rheumatologist sent me for an MRI to rule out Avascular Necrosis . A clear MRI came back leaving us with no answers. Which brings with it the self doubt - is this pain all in my head? There's nothing on the scan it must be fine? Why did nothing show?? My orthopedic surgeon decided to try an intraarticular cortisone injection which involves using an xray machine to guide the injection into the hip joint. There were two reasons to try this method: firstly to gain pain relief but also to see if the hip joint was the cause of my pain and not another area like my back. Once the local anesthetic was injected into my joint I gained IMMEDIATE relief which was heavenly. Thankfully my steroid injection worked perfectly as well and I thought my days of being in agonising hip pain were over. They were for about six months... Slowly but surely the pain returned and so did the crutches and the loss of ability to do the things I used to be able to do. Codeine turned into Tramadol which then turned into Morphine as I tried desperately to get this pain under control.

In February this year it was decided another steroid injection was needed. Again everything went well. I got instant relief from the local anesthetic and after a few days the cortisone started to kick in. By April the pain had returned! Like before I had started rebuilding my life and gaining independence again then it was all ripped away. That's where those silent tears at night come in. Please make it go again, please make it stop, I'm so tired of fighting this pain, please just leave me alone.

Lovely big needle in my hip during my second cortisone injection

Currently my medical teams are at a loss of what to do to treat me. My MRI's aren't showing anything conclusive. My scan is clear but my ability to function and live like a twenty three year old are completely irregular. I am getting by on a large dose of morphine mixed with stubbornness and perseverance. I refuse to let this be my long term future. Yesterday I got in a warm therapy pool and was able to walk freely which was the most heavenly experience. Water has always been a source of comfort and freedom for me. My heart ached when I had to get out and reach for my crutches and instantly the pain returned as weight was put through my hip. I wish I had fins! I wish I was a mermaid!

So now when my pain gets excruciating and I feel like I am going to be stuck like this forever I close my eyes and imagine myself walking pain free in the pool and think one day I will do this on land and I will cherish every beautiful step.

1 comment:

  1. Wow liv.... just wow. This brought a tear to my eye, not mainly because of the torment and pain that you have gone through but because of your strength, perseverance, bravery and above all your hope and trust in God.

    You are absolutely correct when you say this is not a long term diagnoses because its not. God said He has a purpose for everything and perhaps his purpose is for you to reach out, challenge and strengthen those people that have similar circumstances as you. He sees your strength, ability to conquer and defeat, be hopeful in a place that is hopeless and bring light and joy into a situation that is dark and empty.
    I know that you will be healed and set free one day soon. You will walk and not grow weary and you will soar on wings like eagles just like is mentioned in His word. But now is the time for growth, challenges and testing, spiritual war fear because the devil will want to take away every last piece of hope and joy you have but the great news is that the one battling right there with you is God. Always remember His love for you Liv, he is with you every step of this journey and fight and holding you tight. He will not leave you or let you go on your own and he will empower you, strengthen you and give you the tools and the gear you need for the journey. You are an angel Livvy and you are going to help so many lives around and far away from you. Your inspiration, bravery and victories are going to support and help SO many more lives. This may be your purpose but only God has the bigger picture that sometimes I wish i could only have a glimpse at. However thats why he hope and have faith and know God is in charge and cling to Him.

    Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

    Plus you have Danny to boss around and cook you mean feeds =P lol but Rebekah and I love you SO much Liv as well as Dan and think the world of you both and couldn't imagine this place without you guys. You are a true blessing and give us strength and hope also. You are amazing and beautifully made. NEVER feel unsure about asking for a hand from us! We're just around the corner =) LOVE YA! ooxxoo

    Psalm 139:14 - I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.