Friday, November 21, 2014

Lets live

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." -  Kahlil Gibran

Not so long ago I remember driving and suddenly bursting to tears because I saw people out walking. I saw people who were moving with such freedom and ease and honestly I was jealous. Desperately my body and soul craved movement free from pain and limitations. They say you often don't miss something until you lose it and I completely agree with this statement. Walking is something we take for granted. I remember in that moment saying to myself that I would never take being able to walk for granted. I would cherish every heavenly step without crutches.

Can you imagine the joy that came over the next week when I was slowly able to go from two crutches to one to NONE! I feel like me again. I feel like I have my spark back. I feel like I can start to live again and not simply survive. It's not often until I get a break from the pain I can step back and realise how severe the pain was. How my days were spent consumed by mind altering pain or dosed up on morphine. I don't know how I survived that patch and I never want to have to go back to that pain again. Being off morphine has made such a different mentally as well. I no longer feel spacey and foggy. I feel alive and bright. I was so lucky that I was able to stop the morphine with no withdrawal symptoms.

Yesterday I was able to go grocery shopping by myself for the first time in months. While everyone else looked like it was the last place they wanted to be I excitedly pushed my trolley around and enjoyed every step. I felt independent, in control, fulfilled and delighted. I can't remember the last time I felt those emotions. Every day I feel as though I am getting stronger and am able to achieve more. I feel so thankful the steroid injection worked and can't believe the complete contrast. I have a constant warm, bubbly, excited feeling in my heart. I am grateful for every moment I get without pain.

The quote at the top of the page perfectly sums up this post. In the space of about a week I went from crying tears of sorrow about not being able to walk to almost crying tears of joy for being able to. Right now I am in such a precious place where I am filled with so much joy. The things I have been crying about are now the moments that are making me happy. So if you see a blonde girl walking down the street with a huge smile on her face for no apparent reason chances are it's me enjoying every heavenly pain free step.